Manners Monday – When Tragedy Strikes – How to Share with Your Children?

Last Friday’s movie theater massacre in Aurora, Colorado was a tragic reminder for parents that no matter how hard we try to protect our children, it is virtually impossible to shield them from all danger. We live in an uncertain world where the behavior of others is often unpredictable.  The only thing we truly have control over is our own actions and reactions. 

So how do those of us who are watching the television and reading the media headlines respond when our children catch us emotionally enraptured by the latest story developments?  How should we explain what happened? What is appropriate for our children’s ears? What is better left unsaid?  And, what can they learn for the future?

However we decide to explain the tragedy to our children, one thing must remain clear and that is that we deliver our message in a responsible manner with the utmost sensitivity and respect for the families who are experiencing the loss firsthand.

Ø  Let your tone convey the gravity of the situation.  Children know very well by their parent’s tone of voice whether a particular subject is to be taken seriously.  When tragedy strikes, parents should be calm and reassuring while they explain the situation in practical terms with only pertinent facts included. 

Ø  Keep it age appropriate and in perspective.  Youngest children should receive this information on a need-to-know basis only and using very simple words. Older children may be privy to more detail, but with limitations, as we still don’t want to scare them unnecessarily. Be mindful of the media and make sure children do not have unlimited access.

Ø  Teach your children to empathize.  A tragedy of this magnitude offers our children the ability to learn how to sympathize with another person’s situation, and to offer understanding and compassion. Children need to exercise their empathy muscle so that when a situation arises they will know how to genuinely show their support.

Ø  Use the tragedy to strengthen survival skills.  There is always a lesson to be learned from tragedy, and as painful as it is to discuss, children must gain wisdom from the experience.  In this particular situation, it is a lesson to teach our children to always be conscious of their surroundings, to heighten their awareness of others, and to notice and identify suspicious behavior.  These skills may just wind up saving their lives someday. 

    If you happened to miss the live courtroom newsfeed this morning as the 24 year old defendant, James Holmes, received his first words from the judge, here is the clip  http://tinyurl.com/d97438l. It is strikingly evident from this footage that the young man is deeply troubled. 

"Don't Be a Bum at the Beach" - 4th of July Etiquette for the Sand & Sea

A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend and I made a last minute plan to venture out to Paradise Cove in Malibu for a little R&R.  At the beach for the first time in about ten years without kids in tow, we simply couldn’t wait to break into our magazines and soak up the summer sun.  There were no nagging voices begging us to make a sandcastle or desperate attempts to drag our bodies into the cold ocean to jump the waves, merely the pure bliss of alone time doing whatever we pleased. Just as we were finally settling in to our groove, a pack of eight adults decided to plop down right beside us as if we were completely invisible.  As sand flung onto our towels, they proceeded to unpack heaps of beach paraphernalia within inches of our designated space.  Rather than scold them because they were clearly clueless, we decided to preserve our zen-like mode by packing up our things and moving further down the beach.   

The 4^th of July marks the height of the beach going season.  After much preparation to clear our schedules and make ourselves beach worthy with requisite tans and new suits to model, the last thing we need is to be bothered by annoying adults blasting their bad music, pesky children (or adults for that matter) kicking sand onto our towels or thrill-seeking seagulls swooping down on our homemade fried chicken and expensive imported cheese.  To learn how not to be offensive to others and to best enjoy the beach experience at holidays and all year long, here is our top list of proper beach etiquette tips. 

Dress Appropriately for the Occasion. The last time I checked, topless and nude sunbathing is frowned upon here in America, and in some cases is considered against the law. Unless you’re on a private yacht in the south of France or vacationing in Brazil, kindly keep your bathing suit PG-rated. Private parts should be sufficiently covered. The beach is for families and they are especially in tow on a big summer holiday.

Come Ready with Your Own Supplies. Everyone has their “must have” list of necessities for the beach. Most importantly, the list is to help you be prepared so that you do not have to constantly bother others with your requests for items you forgot at home. The bare minimum: sunscreen, hat, bottled water and towel. Kicking it up a notch: beach chair, umbrella, tunes, books or magazines (old school style), games, a cooler fully stocked with an incredible feast. Recommended for parents: full day supply of diapers and wipes, a Pack N’ Play or tent for shade, sand toys (BTW, don’t forget to write your name on them so you leave the beach with the same toys you came with), ample sunscreen, snacks and beverages.

The Early Bird Gets the Worm. If you are one of those people who perpetually arrives fashionably late, don’t expect to have first dibs on prime real estate at the beach. There is plenty of space and no one is entitled to a reserved spot, unless of course, you belong to a private beach club and the attendant has a reserved number of chairs and umbrellas set aside for members. To ensure you do not encroach on another person’s space, ideally there should be about 15 feet between distance between you and your neighbor. When selecting your spot, don’t forget to take into consideration high tide. Look for a high water mark, consult a tide chart or ask a lifeguard before settling down for the day.

Setting up Shop. If possible, organize your items so that you only have to take one trip on the sand to your spot on the beach. Walking back and forth is exhausting and will tucker you out before your day even begins. Before laying your towels down and inserting your umbrella, check to see which way the wind is blowing so that you don’t blow sand into your neighbor’s direction or block their view. Make every effort to consolidate your items into a small area that will not take valuable beach front away from others.

Keep it Down & Watch Your Language. We are well aware that the beach is outside, but that does not give you cart blanche to blast your latest iTunes mix on your giant speakers or shout profanities to your buddies when we are within ear shot trying to enjoy a family day with our kids. On the flip side, parents need to monitor their children and make sure little Mikey and Susie aren’t running amok hurling sand toys and fighting over the last Cheeto while adults are trying to enjoy a little peace and quiet or read the latest best-seller. Being outside entitles everyone to use their outside voice and have fun, just be mindful of how loud and crazy you get and keep it all in check.

Fun in the Sun. Game playing is great, but keep it away from others. First of all, it is obnoxious to play ball over others heads while they are trying to relax and secondly, it can be dangerous, especially if there are little ones around. This extends to water playing as well. Look out for others in the water before you engage in spirited splashing, dunking and other horseplay. Maintain control of boogie boards and other water toys so that everyone has a safe day in the sun. A special note to parents: keep an eye on your children. Organize plenty of activities like building sand castles, playing Frisbee or searching for the most unusual sea shell to keep them busy so that they do not wander off or, more importantly, wander into the water without your supervision.

Clean Up After Yourself. If only there was a “Smoky the Bear” or that Indian fellow who shed a single tear at the sight of litter being dropped at his feet to protect our beautiful beaches. Where’s the mascot to remind us to keep our beaches clean? I remember swimming once at a beach just north of Santa Monica and seeing plastic bags, soda cans and straw wrappers in the ocean. It was disgusting! Please take a garbage bag or paper bag with you to the beach and have the decency to collect all of your trash (that includes food wrappers, diapers, newspapers and whatever else you bring) and then deposit it into one of the large trash receptacles located everywhere.

Don't Bring the Beach Home with You. Carefully shake all items and sufficiently clean off anything with sticky sand before leaving the beach. Watch your neighbors to make sure you are not blowing sand dust in their wind. There is nothing worse than dust particles of sand found in the car, on the floor or in your bags when you return home. Shake off towels, clean dirty feet, wash out bathing suits and dump all bags before settling into your car or entering the house.

Give it One Last Look. Before making your final exit, patrol the area one all around your beach party scene one last time for any lost items, leftover food or litter.

Did I forget anything? Let me know what your beach rituals include? What items do you take? Have any tips for rude patrons? Share with us. We'd love to hear from you!

Sleep Away Camp – 5 Personal Traits for Kids to Gain and Get Rid Of

This week, I joined the legion of parents, who kissed their kids goodbye and sent them off to sleep away camp.  Like so many others, I was filled with mixed emotions: excitement over the freedom of having a whole eight days to myself before my youngest returned home; and sadness that my girls were gone and experiencing something fun without me.

I remember my first time at sleep away camp like it was yesterday.  I was shipped off to Camp Akiba in the Pocono Mountains for an entire summer.  When you lived back east, this was the norm and no one batted an eye.  I have fond memories of my experience and am grateful for participating in this rite of passage that is so entrenched in our American culture. 

Today, camp is different.  Campers are more sophisticated and the challenges for counselors are greater than just monitoring the canteens and candy trunks.  Nowadays, they are more concerned with stripping campers of their techno mentality and getting back to basics. 

While my girls are away at camp, I obviously want them to have fun, but I also secretly have a personal agenda of what I’d like them to gain, and get rid of, during their experience. 

1.  Gain: Independence. At camp, kids must stick to a schedule.  They are obligated to organize their belongings, keep their bunk neat, write letters, participate in activities and basically follow all of the designated camp rules or suffer the consequences. Get Rid Of: Laziness. In an age of concierge parenting, it is very easy for kids to slip into the role of dependent where mom and dad do everything and kids expect us to wait on them hand-and-foot. This attitude is simply unacceptable at camp.

2.   Gain: Possibility.  Camp is an opportunity for children to discover something about themselves that perhaps previously they thought was not possible.  Get Rid Of: Fear. Camp is an incredibly nurturing and safe environment enabling children to try new things, to test limits and to let go of fear.   It is an excellent time to break out of their comfort zone and take a few (reasonable) risks.

3.  Gain: Friendship. Camp is a wonderful time to solidify old relationships and cultivate new ones. The environment thrives on camaraderie, inclusion and close bonds where fellow campers learn to cooperate with one another, help each other, and encourage fellow campers to be their very best. Get Rid Of: Hostility. At camp there is no tolerance for gossip, slander, or bullying of any kind. On the contrary, it is an ideal environment for practicing kindness, consideration and “The Golden Rule.”

4. Gain: Interaction.  Good old-fashioned face-to-face communication is the preferred method of communication at camp. This is an excellent opportunity for kids to practice making eye contact and learning the subtleties of reading facial expressions and body language.  Get Rid Of: Technology.  No television, no smart phones, no computers of any kind are accessible at camp.  There is nothing to distract campers except the sounds of nature and possibly a little Justin Bieber playing on the counselor’s CD players.

5.    Gain: Quiet Time. At camp, there is an enforced period daily where kids are encouraged to quietly engage in an activity on their own without verbal exchange. This allows the mind to settle down so that introspection can take place.  Get Rid Of:  Stimulation. Our children are in need of constant stimulation and it is to their detriment.  They expect to be entertained 24/7 and as a result they are losing important self-soothing skills, as well as the ability to discover and develop their own talents and interests.

Like so many famous camp movies from “Little Darlings” to “Parent Trap” and “Camp Rock,” one thing’s for sure, my girls will be gaining everlasting memories. Whether participating in a Friday night talent show, dancing to music in their bunk with friends, or playing color war on the field, they are sure to come away with a smile having achieved a greater sense of self and a newfound confidence that will stay with them forever.

Father’s Day Etiquette – Don’t Give Dad The Shaft

When it comes to celebrating a day for parents, somehow dads seem to fall on the short end of the stick.  Father’s Day is paid about as much attention as the red-headed step-child sitting in the corner. 

Mother’s Day, however, is a very different story with the build-up beginning months in advance!  Dads everywhere scramble for brunch reservations or spa appointments to ensure their better-halves are pampered and tended to on their special day.  This delicate showering of affection is not necessarily out of love, but out of fear that if they do not do everything in their power to ensure Mother’s Day is unique and special, heads will roll and someone’s gonna have to pay!

I happened to ask several fathers over the past week what their plans were for Father’s Day and I was met with the same blank response that assumed not much fan fair had been discussed around the subject. But, you won’t see dad sulking on the couch or screaming at the top of his lungs that no one appreciates him.  Instead, he’ll simply smile and be thankful for whatever morsel of kindness is bestowed his way. 

Don’t give dad the shaft this Father’s Day, find a few ways to make him feel at least, almost equally as special as mom (wink).  Here are several ideas, although last minute, to show him you really care.

Let Him Be King of His Castle.  Let dad be in charge of the remote and settle in on a program that he likes – for once! If he wants to wear his favorite ratty old college shirt with the holes, so be it!  Hand him the sports section of the Sunday paper so he can read it cover to cover wherever he pleases. 

Give Him Some Space. As much as dad loves hanging with the family, this might be the perfect occasion for mom to take the kids out for a few hours to allow him some “me” time to relax without feeling guilty.  

Get Outdoors.  If dad is an athlete, offer to throw around the ball outside.  If he loves hiking, find a trail that has a scenic view and plan a picnic at the top. If biking’s his thing, go for a ride along the beach and follow it up with lunch at one of his favorite haunts before heading home.

Present Him with a Gift He Will Truly Enjoy.  Don't get dad a last minute practical gift because he needs it, use this opportunity to present him with something fun and unexpected that he will truly enjoy. Perhaps a book of 10 movie passes if he is a movie buff or a set of Beat Box headphones for the music lover who loves to sing in the shower.

Make Him a Home-Cooked Meal. We all know that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  If he loves to BBQ, marinate his favorite meat for grilling and couple it with some tasty Cole slaw and beans as sides. If dad is newly vegan?  Channel Alicia Silverstone and whip up a tantalizing tofu or vegetarian recipe online that will punch with just as much flavor.

Happy Father’s Day to dads everywhere from your loving wives and children!!  xoxo

Manners Monday - National Etiquette Week 2012

This week marks the annual weeklong dedication to etiquette in all areas of American life and it couldn’t have arrived a moment sooner.  In an age where people are rushing, pushing and shoving to get ahead and everyone is expected to keep a breakneck pace to accomplish the umpteen thousand tasks set for each day, it is rare that an individual will stop, take a breath and puts themselves second in favor of their fellow woman or man.  Compound this with the invention of new technologies that further distance us and a nation that fancies electronic communication over face-to-face conversation and we are headed down an eroding and oblivious path to our own self-destruction.

Not a day goes by when someone somewhere is not angered, frustrated, upset, ticked-off, saddened, silenced, or annoyed by someone else’s insensitive, inconsiderate, uncaring, indifferent or inappropriate remarks.  People are pissing each other off right and left and placing blame without taking responsibility for their own actions and wrongdoings.  

It’s not likely we’ll be emulating our role models in politics, entertainment or sports anytime soon as they are often some of the worst offenders. You can't turn your head without hearing about a crooked politician who fell from grace, a loud-mouth entertainer who tweeted something blasphemous or a sports figure who resorted to physical violence when words didn't seem to cut it.

So where are we to turn and how are we going to take the necessary steps to make a change?  How can we stop being annoyed and defensive with others and apply more civility and politesse into our everyday lives?  How can we learn to restrain ourselves when standing in the face of the most frustrating of circumstances?  

I think it all begins with raising our consciousness level and collectively deciding to slow down so that we may begin incorporating these small considerations into our daily interactions.  With a big dose of commitment and a little bit of practice, we should be able to make a small adjustment for the better.

To test the waters and gauge where we are thus far, we have come up with a survey of questions to see what triggers us, how we respond to others and which areas need more paying attention to in the future.  Please visit our National Etiquette Week survey here http://survey.constantcontact.com/survey/a07e5wdgylhh1wkkper/start and let’s begin the conversation.  

Have a burning survey question you would like to add, feel free to send it in along with a multiple choice of answers, we'd love to hear what's on your mind!  

Red Carpet Manners – "An Eclectic Mix of Moments at the 84th Academy Awards"

After last year’s attempt to “hipify” the Oscars and bring in a younger demographic with hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco, this year mega producer Brian Grazer, promised to deliver an awards show that stayed true to its brand.  Blending a veritable mix of Hollywood tradition with a few innovative twists, the show made its best attempt to remain entertaining throughout. The biggest pitfall, however, was that the show was just simply too long.  Although, Grazer made a promise to end on time, between the cameos of actors speaking about their love of the craft and the lengthy focus group bit from “Wizard of Oz,” it just wasn’t possible. 

While audiences came together to honor film’s greatest achievements, the most anticipated performance of the night was that of Billy Crystal who was asked to occupy the hosting position after comedian Eddie Murphy bowed out. Sticking to what has worked in the past, he launched into his requisite man of a thousand faces as he embodied the starring roles in each of the Oscar nominated films.  Although, he was the one who in fact started this Oscar tradition, the montage felt a bit contrived and flat. Sometimes even when we think we want the same, we yearn for something different. The greatest laughs, however, included a silly cameo from Justin Beiber, a nod to the younger demographic of 18-24 year olds, and a sarcastic reference to the current state of the economy and the night’s celebration of millionaires presenting each other with statues. Giving it his best shot, we have to say Crystal looked “mahvelous” for his 9th stint as Oscar host and kept the pace moving with his quick wit and natural charm. 

Noticeably new were the livelier jams choreographed by singer Pharrell Williams and drummer Sheila E. who played the intro and outro musical interludes instead of the dated house orchestra of years passed.  It may have been overreaching, but the night’s biggest show-stopper was unlikely partner, the Cirque du Soleil troupe, whose acrobatic performance paid homage to a night at the movies and received a standing ovation.  The “In Memoriam” tribute had a certain freshness to it as songstress Esparanza Spalding’s lingering rendition of “What a Wonderful World” resonated while billboard-sized photos shown faces of Hollywood royalty from Elizabeth Taylor to Whitney Houston. 

The eclectic mix of moments occurred both on the red carpet beforehand and in the theatre during the awards ceremony.  Here’s our list of the night’s red carpet manners leading hits and misses.  

The Cheapest Shot.  Sasha Baron Cohen struck again with his threat to shock and disturb the tides at the typically glamorous Oscars ceremony.  The publicity had been building on whether he would attend as his character “The Dictator” to promote his upcoming film.  There was even speculation that the Academy did not approve and that they would be appointing high security to look out for him in character. And so it happened, half way through the arrivals he appeared on the red carpet accompanied by two female guards and carrying an urn with the ashes of North Korean leader Kim Jong II. His victim, Ryan Seacrest, totally unaware that he would be the recipient of this childish prank, was not prepared for the pouring of ashes (really pancake mix) that proceeded to spill all over his tux.  Clearly pissed, but handling it like a pro, Ryan proceeded to dust himself off while Baron Cohen was removed from the scene by security. 

Most Heartfelt Acceptance Speech. Although everyone loves the timeless Meryl Streep, her acceptance speech felt rehearsed and understated in contrast to the more emotional and heartfelt speech from Octavia Spencer.  As she accepted the award for Best Supporting Actress for her work in “The Help” a stream of tears ran down her face feeling blessed just to be in the moment.   She thanked everyone from her family, to the cast and even the state of Alabama for her achievement.  Her list of thanks would have continued if not for the request to “please wrap up” appearing on the teleprompter.

Most Exaggerated Pose.  The typically poised, Angelina Jolie, will now forever be known for her overly exaggerated pose at this year’s Oscar ceremony both on the red carpet and while presenting during the show. The high cut slit in her skirt may have encouraged her to flash her gams, but the complete extension of her leg was taking it too far.  Her incredibly toned figure was on display, but it quickly became a distraction that led to imitations of her pose and a particular mocking by the screenwriting team for “The Descendants” who mimicked stance as they accepted the award from her on stage. 

Most Genuinely Funny Schtick.  Chris Rock, who was just being himself, presented the award for Best Animated Feature and had the audience rolling with his hysterical story about how little effort is required to work as an actor in animation and how insanely much they get paid! He certainly speaks from experience as the voice of “The Donkey” in the animated Shrek series among others.  His humor was a welcome note, in contrast to the completely humorless scripted intros by such dynamic pairings as Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr. and Ben Stiller and Emma Stone.

Best Playing to the Camera.  Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz like to have fun and it is evident in everything they do as they presented for Best Costume Design and Best Makeup. The understated Michelle Williams and gloomy Rooney Mara could stand to learn a thing or two from these veterans who have paid their dues in Hollywood and still retained their humor and lightness.  The audience loved their radiant smiles and when they turned their backs to flash their curvaceous booties, they adored them even more.  Now that’s how it's done ladies!!

What did you think of the 84th Academy Awards?  Did it live up to the hype?  Who were your top faves and disappointments and who would you like to see host next year?  Share your thoughts with us, we’d love to hear from you!

Manners Monday - Longing for the Days of the Grapevine

Anyone who's experienced carpal tunnel from tapping through an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend's photos on Facebook knows firsthand the "Don't Tell Me, I Don't Want to Know" syndrome recently uncovered in an article in the New York Times. Back in the day before social networking, one had to hear the gory details of what was going down with one's ex through the good ‘ole grapevine, the only resource for reliable information. There were no visuals to peruse unless you paid a private investigator to take the photos for you. If you wanted to know what your ex was up to, you had to do your own private investigating and reach out to your own personal network.

Nowadays technology has made us privy to the most inane and intimate details of our loved ones (both current and ex) and friends, even those we barely know, and it is getting out of hand, not to mention a little creepy.  Knowing when to pull in the reins is becoming increasingly more difficult as the lure of voyeurism takes hold and we just can’t break away until we see one more photo of our frenemy at the fabulous party that we weren’t invited to. 

With too much information available at our fingertips, it can oftentimes feel debilitating.  If you find yourself stuck in the muck and in need of a little help navigating your way out, we have a few options to offer you.  Trust us, it is possible to chart a new course and keep yourself poised in the process.

Stop torturing yourself.  If you are feeling low, a bit self-conscious and insecure, do not start fiddling through your Facebook or any other social media site du jour.  It is inevitable that you will eventually come across someone or something that will stick in your craw and may make you feel inferior, and who needs that?  Just the thought of your girlfriends out on the town while you’re at home in bed with your cat might send you over the edge. Ignorance is bliss so stop torturing yourself and put a self-ban on your technology (at least until you feel you are in a better place).

Show some restraint.  If a colleague at work is posting a play-by-play on the ingrown hair he had removed from his back at the dermatologist, resist the urge to patronize him with your remarks of disgust for all the world to see. Remember everyone is able to read your thoughts and sometimes things are just better left unsaid, especially when it comes to keeping the peace at our workplace. Rather than putting in your two cents, keep your comments to yourself and just focus on getting the visual out of your head.

Find a hobby.  If you discover that your high school buddies are organizing a reunion without you, do not allow yourself to wallow in self-pity.  Step away from the computer and set the restart button on your life.  Find a hobby that takes all of your attention so that when reunion time approaches, you could care less because you are busy preparing for your solo gig at the House of Blues with the guitar you just learned how to play.  This will not only make you feel better it offers you an alternative career to fall back on.

Throw an occasional bone.  Those that post incessantly on social networking sites do so to be heard and validated.  While you're busy tooling around their Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest pages, take a moment to add a pleasant comment every now and again. After all, we are only human and we all want to feel that our lives are fabulous and fulfilling.  A genuine complement that is from the heart is all that is needed to make someone’s day.

Don’t believe the hype.  Not everything we see and read on social networking sites should be taken at face value. Sure there may be a friend who is particularly tight with Gwyneth Paltrow and is photographed with her having lunch, or perhaps there is a colleague at work who was invited to a State dinner you would have killed to attend, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else is living a more rich and satisfying life and you should go bury your head in the ground.  It simply means they are naturally talented at crafting their own PR and have carefully decided how they wish to be viewed online and that’s all.  Try not to give it any credence Clarence.