Manners Monday – Back 2 School Manners 4 Parents

On the final night of summer, parents countrywide prepared for the annual ritual of going back to school.  They busily organized backpacks with new supplies, painstakingly prepared lunch boxes with the latest healthy (or not so healthy) fare, selectively laid out outfits or uniforms to help their kids look presentable, and perhaps snuck in a handwritten note in their notebooks wishing their kids a great first day! 

Mission accomplished, they tucked their children into bed and let out one last remark reiterating their excitement about new teachers and inspired curriculum's, meeting new friends and maintaining old relationships. They reminded them to remember the six pillars of character and be mindful of the golden rule.  With the parenting checklist for back-to-school preparation completed, they breathed a collective sigh of relief. 

Not so fast parents!  There is still work to be done.  It is virtually impossible to steer your  kids in the right direction - trust me, they will never listen - without taking a good close look at yourselves and your own back-to-school behavior.  As you slowly integrate into schedules and school lunches this week, take a moment to review our list of dos and don’ts.  Remember, your children emulate you and will do as you do and not as you say. Better to set them on the right course by setting a good example. You certainly don’t want anyone pointing a finger at them and saying the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. 

Do

• Greet fellow parents each day with a smile.
• Integrate new parents by including them in school activities and special events.
• Use the magic words unconditionally and often with teachers, administration and staff.
• Introduce yourself to your child’s teacher and establish a relationship.
• Make your best effort to donate monies for class funds, field trips & other activities in a timely manner.
• Offer to help parents and children who are in need.
• Keep negative comments about the school or other parents or their children to yourself.
• Communicate with your child and let them solve their own problems with their peers if possible.
• Keep tabs on your own child and make sure they are not bullying others.
• Regulate your child with a good night’s sleep and a nutritious breakfast each morning.
• Use designated crosswalks when crossing the street near school perimeters.

Don’t

• Judge parents by how much or how little they are able to volunteer at school.
• Attempt to gain favor with your child’s teacher by showering them with accolades or gifts.
• Send mass emails to your child’s class list unless it’s regarding school work or administration.
• Hit “reply all” unless the person who initiated the email has expressly requested it.
• Gossip or spread harmful rumors about the school, the parents, or the children.
• Jump to conclusions about anything school-related. Give others the benefit of the doubt, gather your facts and then respond accordingly.
• Jay-Walk unsafely with your children in tow.
• Honk, double-park or block other drivers. We are all just trying to find a space and get our children to school. Have some patience and take a breath!

I'm sure there are many parents out there who wish other parents had better manners at school. What are some of your biggest gripes?  Which do's and don'ts would you add to this list?  Please share with us, we'd love to hear from you!!

For more info, read our blogs on Back 2 School Manners for Kids http://90210manners.blogspot.com/2011/08/back-2-school-manners.html and college-aged students http://90210manners.blogspot.com/2011/08/back-2-school-manners-college-years.html.

Manners Monday – When Tragedy Strikes – How to Share with Your Children?

Last Friday’s movie theater massacre in Aurora, Colorado was a tragic reminder for parents that no matter how hard we try to protect our children, it is virtually impossible to shield them from all danger. We live in an uncertain world where the behavior of others is often unpredictable.  The only thing we truly have control over is our own actions and reactions. 

So how do those of us who are watching the television and reading the media headlines respond when our children catch us emotionally enraptured by the latest story developments?  How should we explain what happened? What is appropriate for our children’s ears? What is better left unsaid?  And, what can they learn for the future?

However we decide to explain the tragedy to our children, one thing must remain clear and that is that we deliver our message in a responsible manner with the utmost sensitivity and respect for the families who are experiencing the loss firsthand.

Ø  Let your tone convey the gravity of the situation.  Children know very well by their parent’s tone of voice whether a particular subject is to be taken seriously.  When tragedy strikes, parents should be calm and reassuring while they explain the situation in practical terms with only pertinent facts included. 

Ø  Keep it age appropriate and in perspective.  Youngest children should receive this information on a need-to-know basis only and using very simple words. Older children may be privy to more detail, but with limitations, as we still don’t want to scare them unnecessarily. Be mindful of the media and make sure children do not have unlimited access.

Ø  Teach your children to empathize.  A tragedy of this magnitude offers our children the ability to learn how to sympathize with another person’s situation, and to offer understanding and compassion. Children need to exercise their empathy muscle so that when a situation arises they will know how to genuinely show their support.

Ø  Use the tragedy to strengthen survival skills.  There is always a lesson to be learned from tragedy, and as painful as it is to discuss, children must gain wisdom from the experience.  In this particular situation, it is a lesson to teach our children to always be conscious of their surroundings, to heighten their awareness of others, and to notice and identify suspicious behavior.  These skills may just wind up saving their lives someday. 

    If you happened to miss the live courtroom newsfeed this morning as the 24 year old defendant, James Holmes, received his first words from the judge, here is the clip  http://tinyurl.com/d97438l. It is strikingly evident from this footage that the young man is deeply troubled. 

Manners Monday – "Other People’s Unruly Kids" – How & When to Broach the Subject

I was interviewed by Martha Stewart Living Radio this morning on the subject of other people’s ill-mannered children and how to broach the subject with the little rascals and their parents when their bad behavior starts to rub off on your own children.  

As parents we’ve all had our fair share of experience with other people’s unruly kids.  If we’re lucky, we can steer clear of them by staying as far away as possible.  But what can you do, when the offending children are your own family members or the children of your closest friends?  That creates quite the sticky situation that requires the perfect amount of finesse.  We all parent differently, everybody has their own set of priorities and values, but when little Timmy’s horrific manners start to rub off on my impressionable girls, then that’s where I draw the line.  I don’t care if he is their first cousin or a friend from school.  Something’s gotta give and someone’s gonna hear about it!

Unfortunately, regardless of how stringent we are with instilling our own children with good manners, it takes just one encounter with a child who is misbehaving to seemingly obliterate all the work we have done. It is part of human nature that our children be lured towards the boorish side of bad rather than the genteel side of good and there’s not much we can do about it other than to try to pick up the pieces and hope that, like riding a bicycle, our children will remember to find their natural balance again. 

So what are our best tactics for eliciting the best behavior in our own kids as well as other children and how can we gently broach the subject with our friends and family members when their kids act out without turning it into a scene from “God of Carnage?”  Here are our top tips below. 

·        Tread lightly on the subject.  You don’t want to feel helpless, but it can be extremely frustrating trying to communicate the gravity of a situation when it is falling on deaf ears.  This is especially true when you encounter parents who ignore their children’s rude behavior and think they can do no wrong. Before launching into a tirade however, first remember to give others the benefit of the doubt. You never know if a parent is having a particularly rough day and therefore their children are too.  If the parent appears plain irresponsible, then your next course of action is to speak up, just be careful to tread lightly so as not to offend. Many parents will become quickly defensive and tend to blame the accuser for being too sensitive. Chances are if the children are a certain way, so are the parents.  After all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

·        Our control is limited.  No matter how hard we try, we cannot control other children’s behavior, we can only control the behavior of our own children.  If you discover that the uncontrollable actions of your friends and family members’ children are beginning to affect the behavior of your own children, you have a few options. (1) You may schedule future outings with the children at a neutral location rather than in the home. (2) You can advise your child to befriend other children (this works with friends only, unfortunately we do not get to choose our family), and (3) You can politely decline future plans with the child when asked (again this works much better with friends than family). With family, you should not have to stand on ceremony or make up excuses. A calm, straightforward conversation might do the trick and even bring everyone a little closer in the end.

·        Know when to speak up.  If another unruly child is hurting your child, either physically or by being verbally abusive, then a parent must step in.   It is our duty as to make sure our children are protected and unharmed. This communication should be handled by phone or with a face-to-face conversation.  An email, text or any other form of electronic communication would be detrimental to the situation as it is crucial that facial expressions, body language and tone all be considered during the exchange.

·      Eliminate the drama.  Without placing blame or adding unnecessary drama, parents can get their point across in one of two ways.  (1) Befriend the parent and feign camaraderie with a tale of how your older child used to do the same terrible thing, but thankfully grew out of it or (2) Hitting the subject head on and explaining in very simple terms your personal rules for conduct and behavior.  The first way is advised if you care to have a future relationship with the parent and the second is for those parents you intend to stay far away from at all costs.

·       Addressing the child directly. The easiest place to address the child is when they are playing in your home under your roof.  Before the play date even begins you can sit both parties down and go over house rules: no jumping on the furniture, no throwing balls, no running in the house, all food is to be eaten in the kitchen or dining area, etc.  If the child ignores the rules, you can give them a warning that their parent will be called and then 3 strikes you’re out.  At a park, if a child is invading your child’s space, you may suggest to the child to play nicely and then keep a close watch to make sure they stay in line.

The bottom line is, it is truly the parent’s responsibility to teach their children good manners by setting boundaries and instilling consequences for unacceptable behavior.  It is not about being their child’s best friend, but rather about teaching them guidelines for living that will boost their confidence and increase their self-esteem.  They may not love you for it in the moment, but they will learn to respect you for it in the long run.   

Have any nightmare stories to share about other people's unruly children and the tactics you used to restore order?  We'd love to hear from you!

"Back 2 School Manners"

After the Labor Day weekend, children all across the country will finally be back in school. Some parents will be jumping for joy and rushing them out of the house desperate for some peace and quiet and others will be experiencing the bittersweet emotion of separation and loss that their “baby” is growing older. Regardless of your child’s age and how long they have been attending school, we have devised a list of back-to-school manners we believe will help you and your children transition more easily and gracefully into the new school year.

1. Obey “The Golden Rule”. We’ve heard it a hundred times. Treat others they way you would like to be treated. Think about it, if our children actually, consciously pondered this phrase I bet there would be a lot less hurt feelings, bullying, and unruly behavior in the classroom and on the playground.

2. Practice Safety First. Believe it or not, to be safe is to use good manners. When children are watching out for themselves and their fellow classmates, fewer accidents occur. This is true for both the school grounds as well as the surrounding parking area.

3. Bullying is Bad Behavior. Teach your children to be sweet and kind to their fellow schoolmates. Being a bully is usually a cry for help from a child who is in desperate need of some attention and love. Take the high road and show sensitivity towards that child until they are able to learn how to properly express themselves.

4. Friends Forever. Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold. Each year the students in the classrooms change. Children should view this as an opportunity to make new friends. They should be reminded to cultivate the relationships they already have, but also be encouraged to introduce themselves to new students and new classmates. Remember to stand up straight, smile and make good eye contact when making introductions.

5. Cut Out the Cliques and Be Inclusive of Everyone. All students want to be accepted by their peers at school. Speak to your children about the negative effects of whispering, gossiping or excluding others. Explain to them how they would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. They should be inclusive of everyone at all times at school, especially to new students who may be more shy or reserved. They do not have to engage everyone in deep conversation, but a friendly and warm smile is a must!

6. Make Cleanliness & Hygiene a Top Priority. The Swine Flu epidemic was enough to put most parents on high alert. Teach your teacher the value and importance of cleanliness and hygiene. Make sure they wash their hands (with soap) repeatedly throughout the day, sneeze into their arm as opposed to their hands (which carry germs) and (for those with long locks) wear their hair up in a ponytail or braids to avoid bringing home lice.

7. Be True to Your School. Children should be respectful towards the school administration and staff. Encourage them to channel their inner school spirit and support their school teams both academic and sports related. Motivate them to run for student council or take the lead on a charitable drive to raise funds for the school.

8. Practice Good Study Habits. Children quickly learn that homework only gets more difficult as you get older. Better to learn good study habits when you are young so that they become second nature as you progress into higher education. Assist them in creating a schedule with blocks of time for work and for play so that no matter how much work they have, they will feel a sense of balance.

9. Birthday Parties & Sleepovers. This goes back to our rule about inclusion. Children should be sensitive to their schoolmate's feelings and not exclude individuals. For birthday parties, they should either invite the entire class, keep it a same gender party or limit themselves to two or three friends for an intimate celebration. They should send party invitations via email or mail and not through backpacks as they are easily lost. For sleepovers, teach your children to discuss their plans after school to avoid any hurt feelings from friends who are not part of the plan. If they discover a friend is within earshot, suggest to them a sleepover plan for another date in the future.

10. Back-to-School Manners are Not Just for Kids! Parents are often some of the worst offenders. Greet fellow parents each day with a warm and friendly smile. Remember to include new parents in school activities and special events. Avoid gossip or negative comments about other parents or the school. Use the magic words unconditionally and often with teachers, administration and staff. Your children emulate you and will do as you do and not as you say. Better to set them on the right course by setting a good example. Remind them of your expectations and rules with regard to their manners and behavior in general. This will provide them with the confidence they need to achieve in school and have a productive and successful year!

“Top 10 List of Back-To-School Manners”

After the Labor Day weekend, children all across the country are finally back in school. Some parents are jumping for joy and can’t get them out of the house quickly enough and others are experiencing the bittersweet emotion of separation and loss as their “baby” is growing older. Regardless of your child’s age and how long they have been attending school, we have devised a list of Back-to-School Manners we believe will help you and your children transition more easily and gracefully into the new school year.

1. Obey “The Golden Rule”. We’ve heard it a hundred times. Treat others they way you would like to be treated. Think about it, if our children actually, consciously pondered this phrase I bet there would be a lot less hurt feelings, bullying, and unruly behavior in the classroom and on the playground.
2. Practice Safety First. Believe it or not, to be safe is to use good manners. When children are watching out for themselves and their fellow classmates, fewer accidents occur. This is true for both the school grounds as well as the surrounding parking area.
3. Bullying is Bad Behavior. Teach your children to be sweet and kind to their fellow schoolmates. Being a bully is usually a cry for help from a child who is in desperate need of some attention and love. Take the high road and show sensitivity towards that child until they are able to learn how to properly express themselves.
4. Friends Forever. Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold. Each year the students in the classrooms change. Children should view this as an opportunity to make new friends. They should be reminded to cultivate the relationships they already have, but also be encouraged to introduce themselves to new students and new classmates. Remember to stand up straight, smile and make good eye contact when making introductions.
5. Cut Out the Cliques and Be Inclusive of Everyone. All students want to be accepted by their peers at school. Speak to your children about the negative effects of whispering, gossiping or excluding others. Explain to them how they would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. They should be inclusive of everyone at all times at school, especially to new students who may be more shy or reserved. They do not have to engage everyone in deep conversation, but a friendly and warm smile is a must!
6. Make Cleanliness & Hygiene a Top Priority. The Swine Flu epidemic was enough to put most parents on high alert. Teach your teacher the value and importance of cleanliness and hygiene. Make sure they wash their hands (with soap) repeatedly throughout the day, sneeze into their arm as opposed to their hands (which carry germs) and (for those with long locks) wear their hair up in a ponytail or braids to avoid bringing home lice.
7. Be True to Your School. Children should be respectful towards the school administration and staff. Encourage them to channel their inner school spirit and support their school teams both academic and sports related. Motivate them to run for student council or take the lead on a charitable drive to raise funds for the school.
8. Practice Good Study Habits. Children quickly learn that homework only gets more difficult as you get older. Better to learn good study habits when you are young so that they become second nature as you progress into higher education. Assist them in creating a schedule with blocks of time for work and for play so that no matter how much work they have, they will feel a sense of balance.
9. Birthday Parties & Sleepovers. This goes back to our rule about inclusion. Children should be sensitive to their schoolmate's feelings and not exclude individuals. For birthday parties, they should either invite the entire class, keep it a same gender party or limit themselves to two or three friends for an intimate celebration. They should send party invitations via email or mail and not through backpacks as they are easily lost. For sleepovers, teach your children to discuss their plans after school to avoid any hurt feelings from friends who are not part of the plan. If they discover a friend is within earshot, suggest to them a sleepover plan for another date in the future.

10. Back-to-School Manners are Not Just for Kids! Parents are often some of the worst offenders. Greet fellow parents each day with a warm and friendly smile. Remember to include new parents in school activities and special events. Avoid gossip or negative comments about other parents or the school. Use the magic words unconditionally and often with teachers, administration and staff. Your children emulate you and will do as you do and not as you say. Better to set them on the right course by setting a good example. Remind them of your expectations and rules with regard to their manners and behavior in general. This will provide them with the confidence they need to achieve in school and have a productive and successful year!

Who Wants to be Perfect?

I started a personal exploration to uncover the perception of perfection to determine whether perfect was even attainable in today’s world and to see if anyone really cared to be perfect!

As a parent and an etiquette instructor, the quest to be perfectly mannered is the biggest problem I face every day. Sometimes I’m afraid to tell people what I do because I think they will judge my every move, check to see if I make a mistake or if I lose my cool. Friends and acquaintances alike are often self-conscious about their manners around me. It must be exhausting for them and I know it’s certainly exhausting for me. In fact, quite often I will say in social situations that I’m turning my ‘off duty’ light on so people can feel free to be themselves and so that I may let my guard down a little and relax and enjoy.

The question then becomes, can we raise polite, considerate, thoughtful children even if they are not perfect, do not come from perfect parents and do not grow up in perfect households? My answer is a definitive yes. At Beverly Hills Manners, we present manners and etiquette in a way that is spontaneous, natural and fun! Our style of teaching admits that being perfect is not only impossible to attain, but also quite boring. We'd rather teach our children to be chameleons who change their colors to fit into any social situation. This is what makes life exciting and pleasurable. We avoid training them to behave like little robots and conform to one way of being, instead we teach children to rely on their own unique strengths and attributes to capitalize on them through etiquette training which, will ultimately lead them to great happiness and success!

In today’s world of two income families and two minute attention spans, who has the time for etiquette perfection and who wants it anyway? Let me know your thoughts! Post your comments below.