Manners Monday – “Taking the Stress out of Holiday Shopping on Black Friday, Cyber Monday & Beyond”

Now that the last bit of turkey leftovers has finally settled in our bellies and the guilt of the extra five pounds that we gained from that second helping of stuffing and sweet potatoes has set in, we are more than ready to take our minds off of ourselves and all of the food we have consumed and channel our energies into others by tackling our holiday gift list. 

Back in the day, before the invention of smartphones and the web, life was a bit slower and the shopping experience was certainly more civilized as patrons took to the streets with their handwritten lists and mapped out their routes to make the best use of their time.  With a multitude of shopping bags in hand, they retired to their homes exhausted and content at a day well-spent.  Things have changed over the years and not necessarily for the better.  Nowadays, it’s a dog-eat-dog world where shoppers everywhere are stressed to the gills and fighting one another for the latest Xbox like it was the last morsel left on earth.  

Personally, I love the idea of holiday shopping.  The hustle and bustle of the crowds doesn’t deter me.  I thrive on the holiday music and the smell of spiced cider in the air.  I’m invigorated by the cooler weather and the shorter days of winter.  I also enjoy the in-person shopping ritual.  I like to use all of my senses as I make my purchases.  For me there is something about being able to see and feel the items that I am buying that heightens the ceremony of it all and makes me feel more invested in the purchase.  

As I’m writing this, I know I am in the minority.  There are many that would rather cut off their right arm than deal with the throngs of people and be forced to wait patiently in line.  They may care less about seeing a product firsthand and more about crossing off the person on their list and that’s perfectly fine.  To each his own as the expression goes and thank goodness for Cyber Monday so that this group of purchasers may take advantage of the special savings online without having to fight off the masses.  For the rest of us who’ve made it through Black Friday unscathed and will continue to brave the shopping malls on foot through December, here are a few guidelines that will hopefully make it a little easier.

Fuel Your Body Before Heading Out.  Shopping on an empty stomach is a recipe for disaster. If you are hungry, you cannot possibly be patient about anything.  Before leaving the house, eat something substantial or at least pack a few satisfying snacks that will keep you satiated until you can take an official break for a proper meal.  Remember to also keep hydrated. Keep a large bottle of water handy to swig through the aisles so you avoid getting parched.

Allow Ample Time for Parking.  How many times have we spotted the perfect parking space, only to be swooped upon by another driver who acted like they own the parking lot and claimed the space first!  Knowing that the stores will be quite busy this time of year, make sure you allow ample time for parking and never fight over a space.  If you meet a parking hog, just move along and find another parking spot.  It is not worth the mental and physical energy you will have to expend to convince the irrational driver otherwise.  At all costs, never park in a handicap space. Not only is it a federal offense and you will pay a hefty fine, but I would be more worried about the karma!

Keep a Close Eye on Cart Items.  We’re all used to watching our purses and wallets while shopping, but at this time of year, we have to keep a close watch on the items we put into our cart as well.  Never turn your back on your cart or you might find yourself the victim of aisle theft with one less Xbox game console for your kiddies.

 

Avoid Confrontation at All Costs. Speaking of Xboxes, the mother in Los Angeles who pulled out the pepper spray on Black Friday to gain a lead on her competition at Walmart crossed lines that may actually result in criminal charges.  When you set out on your course to shop for the holidays, be mindful, stay focused and by all means stay as far away from those irrational shoppers who seem to be out with a vengeance.  Do not raise your voice in a verbal argument or lash out with physical retaliation and if you see a crazy person running down the aisles with pepper spray, part like the red sea and get the you-know-what outta there!

Wait Patiently in Line.  If you are not prepared to stand in line patiently, don’t bother heading to the stores during the holiday season.  No one enjoys waiting, but complaining, pushing and crowding a line certainly does not make the experience any easier.  Never try and force your way into the line ahead of others.  People find this particularly offensive and it is sure to set off a firestorm of rebellion amongst the crowd.  If you are holding a place for someone else, explain this to the people behind you.  If someone is holding a place for you, it is courteous to thank the people behind when you arrive. When you finally get to the front of the line, do not engage in a lengthy discussion as this is both burdensome to the attendant and inconsiderate of those waiting behind you.  Sometimes, it is a simple courtesy to let another patron go ahead of you especially if your cart is filled to the brim and they only have a few items to purchase.

In the Season of Giving, Give Others the Benefit of the Doubt.  With emotions already running on overdrive at this time of year, we are more inclined to accuse others of a wrong-doing.  There may be more than one occasion when another shopper will bump into you without notice or a cashier will shortchange you without paying attention or tend to another patron when you were their first.  Rather than respond defensively with disagreeable words or actions, take the high road and act as if the gesture was purely an accident.  If you are bothered in any way, you may always call attention to the incident by quietly making clear that you assumed it was unintentional.  Find restraint within and do everything in your power to avoid a full blown altercation. 

A Final Note for Shoppers.  The great news about Cyber Monday and online shopping is that you don’t have to be on your best behavior in the privacy of your own home.  There is no one looking over your shoulders minding your P’s & Q’s. You can wear your pajamas, stuff yourself with food and chain yourself to the computer screen all day if you wish.  Happy holiday shopping!

What’s the worst behavior you’ve encountered while holiday shopping? Share your stories.  We’d love to hear form you!!

"Manners Monday" - Toast Your Host on Thanksgiving Day

Whether hosting your own Thanksgiving feast or guesting a Thanksgiving with relatives or friends, everyone can agree it takes a tremendous amount of effort to pull it all together.  As Thanksgiving has become quite the coveted holiday, hosts begin formulating their invitations weeks, months and, in some cases, years in advance to get a jump start on their competitors.  Other more casual feasts may be thrown together on a last minute whim, but that does not make their affair any less significant. 

Regardless of the number of attendees in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, hosts both grand and low-key are busy mapping out their marketing lists, figuring out when to thaw the turkey, counting the number of green beans they’ll use to make their green bean casseroles and belaboring what outfit they’ll wear to bring the festivities all together.  They may painstakingly figure out every detail of the event making sure the hors d'oeuvres are set just so, the candles are strategically lit and the perfect mood music is playing softly in the background. 

 

With hosting comes the great responsibility of taking care of your mixture of guests.  Oftentimes they will be called upon to strike a delicate balance between elegant host and marriage family child counselor making sure everyone is getting along and having a nice time.  They must be able to put out fires in the kitchen with the same effortlessness that they put out firestorms in the living room.  They must be armed with the resourcefulness to remove a red wine stain on the rug with the same proficiency that they are able to remove an inebriated relative away from the cocktails.  Basically, they must be infallible and able to meet any challenge with grace, ingenuity and composure.

Such skillfulness and dexterity is more than deserving of a proper toast on this special day of thanks.  So how do we honor our illustrious hosts with the most?  We do so by toasting them at the beginning of the meal when everyone’s attention is focused and excited about the eating extravaganza ready to take place.  To ensure that you sound your most eloquent in front of family and friends, here are a few tips for both toasting your host and receiving a toast if you are the host on Thanksgiving Day. 

Proposing a Toast to the Host

• Although typically a host would make the first toast, before the Thanksgiving meal, it is nice for a designated individual at the table to invite everyone attending to raise their glass to toast their host. 
• Begin by obtaining everyone’s attention in the room by using a projecting voice and repeating the words, “I would like to propose a toast.”  If you must, you may pick up a clean knife from the table and use it to gently tap the side of your glass as a way to alert people that you are going to begin your toast. 
• Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we are thankful for, for the incredible food we are lucky to have on our tables and for the graciousness and generosity of our host. When preparing your toast, be sincere and speak from the heart.  Keep your toast simple and to the point, about a minute in length. 
• Remember to stand, make good eye contact with the host and end the toast with an endearing phrase such as “Cheers, Here, Here or Here’s to You" along with your host’s name.  Conclude by inviting everyone in unison to raise their glasses together.

The Host as Recipient of the Toast

• Most importantly, the host never raises their glass along with others when they are being toasted. One never toasts to oneself. 
• When being honored, the elegant host simply stays seated and with a warm and generous smile, graciously says, “thank you” to their guests.
• Once the toast is completed and the attention is diverted, the host may take a sip of their beverage.

Final Toasting Tip for All

Contrary to popular belief, it is not necessary to clink glasses when toasting and there is quite a history as to how the ritual of clinking glasses originated. As society has evolved so have the theories that have gone along with it.  The first, and most popular, is that the clinking glasses was performed to ensure the safety of the drinks and make sure no poison was exchanged. The gesture was also made, some thought, to create a noise to scare off evil spirits. Other theorists believed the clinking was added to create an audible sound to satisfy the final sixth sense of hearing.  Today the clinking of glasses is simply a gesture we perform as an expression of goodwill towards others. We generally toast on special occasions, for weddings or other significant events.  The most popular toast is to good health.

Any time honored Thanksgiving toasting tips you would like to add? Share with us, we'd love to hear from you!  Happy Thanksgiving!!

“Manners Monday” – Means of Communication or Weapon of Mass Destruction – Twitter Etiquette Rules

I first heard of Twitter back in January of 2008.  A gentleman I was working with on marketing my business alerted me to the tool and explained it as a distilled form of communication, namely 140 characters that basically answered the question in real time, “What are you doing now?”  For months, users would post such mundane musings as what cereal they were eating for breakfast to where they were heading off for their next yoga class.  Since this was an election year, I also remember hearing the word used heavily around President Obama’s campaign.  While other more senior candidates were busy communicating the old-fashioned way, a younger Obama and his social media savvy staff used the new tool to reach their constituents and encourage a national dialogue in a way that had never been achieved before.  Twitter may have even helped to secure the election for our President and today this is still a very big part of his presence. 

Nowadays, Twitter is everywhere.  Politicians, athletes and celebrities all use it to spread their messages, tout their achievements and increase their platform.  Twitter has had an increasingly powerful impact on the corporate world where major brands hire social media staff to tweet hourly messages about exciting products and services or other relevant information.  Twitter has also taken on the responsibility of being the first line of communication during natural disasters.  We witnessed this up-close and personal back in March with the tsunami in Japan.

I personally got into the Twitter game about two and a half years ago posting tweets with basic etiquette tips every now and again, but it wasn’t until this year that I realized the magnitude and gravity of this powerful tool.  Today, I have two Twitter handles, @90210manners for the majority of my posts on a variety of etiquette topics and @redcarpetmanner for more celebrity driven etiquette posts and try to post topical items on both.  To help streamline and organize my posts, I often turn to Hootsuite, a tool that also allows me to schedule my posts when I’m crunched for time, but want to appear current.  For me, Twitter has taken over as my preferred method of social media interaction much more so than Facebook. I suppose I find it easier to communicate using the condensed language. 

As I’ve grown to feel more comfortable using Twitter, I have become acutely aware of the positive aspects, as well as the negative pitfalls.  I’ve heard the countless news stories and witnessed the careless tweets that brought upon the demise of various politicians, athletes and celebrities.  Not to mention, the innumerable thoughtless tweets that are posted daily that result in irreparable repercussions.  It is for this very reason that we find it critically important to review the rules of etiquette surrounding Twitter so that we use it wisely as a means of communication and not abuse like a weapon of mass destruction.  Here are our top etiquette tips to consider!

Stay out of the kitchen, if you can’t take the tweet.  If you have made a career of living in the public eye and taken to tweeting to share your most intimate and inane thoughts, then you are also opening yourself up to tweets of equal criticism and backlash. Case in point – when Kim Kardashian announced her divorce from Kris Humphries after a mere 72 days, she set off a firestorm of tweets chastising her for not returning the engagement ring and the wedding gifts.   Whether you are living under the scrutiny of the public eye with millions of followers or the master of your own domain with 5,000 followers, you have to be willing to play the game and take the heat.  Tip: Take the high road and only engage in positive commentary on Twitter.  Avoid responding to angry or upsetting tweets.

Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.  Ashton Kutcher, the poster man for Twitter himself, took a major tumble this past weekend learning a very important lesson the hard way.  Before doing his due diligence, Ashton Kutcher irresponsibly launched an opinionated Twitter comment about the firing of Penn State football coach Joe Paterno that landed him in some pretty hot water.  The result was apparently so shaming that Mr. Kutcher vowed to leave the tweeting to his staff until further notice.  When you have that much influence, it is imperative that you think before you tweet, lest you say the wrong thing and suffer the turbulent consequences. Tip: Do your homework and make sure you know all the facts before dispensing your opinion for all the world to see.

Think before you tweet your own horn.  It’s hard not to be boastful, especially when we want to share an achievement of some sort, but the delivery of the message must be carefully thought through so that it doesn’t come across as arrogant. A perfect example of this was Alaskan Republican Senate candidate, Joe Miller, who took to Twitter to jab his opponent by suggesting that he was already taking measurements for the drapes and purchasing furniture for the office. When blasted for his insensitive comments, he blamed it on a volunteer claiming they were responsible for the tweets.  Little did he know, his opponent, Lisa Murkowski, would have the last laugh as she later went on to win the election and chastised him for his inflated self-confidence. Tip: Be humble and gracious.  If you are lucky enough to share an achievement, be sure to thank those who helped you get there.

A tweet paints a thousand words.  Just ask past Representative Anthony Weiner, who in a fleeting state of narcissism, decided to take a vulgar picture of himself to send to a female college student as a flirtatious introduction. When word got out, he was confronted and denied the allegation.  After a series of facts were uncovered, Representative Weiner admitted his fault and wound up suffering the wrath of the people and the state of New York.  The result of this one casual photo led to the removal of his position in office and branded him a disgrace.  Tip: Everything on Twitter is permanent and can be traced.  Stay away from tweeting photos that present a negative image.

 

Tweet this, not that.  There are good tweets and bad tweets.  Good tweets are full of valuable information that enlighten, inform, entertain and educate. Bad tweets are filled with gossip, slander and vulgar information. Twitter, when used properly, is a tremendous springboard for making announcements as Billy Crystal did when he humbly proclaimed that he would be taking over the hosting duties for Brett Ratner who recently stepped down from the post due to his poor behavior.  Twitter moves people into action as thousands rallied to help the victims of hurricanes Katrina and Irene, as well as the tsunami victims in Japan.  Tip: Use common sense and look before you tweet.  Take a moment and think to yourself, “Do I really want/need to share this thought with the world or am I about to jump off a bridge?”  A quick soul searching should provide you with the right answer.

Tweet responsibly! 

Twitter celebrated its fifth anniversary earlier this year.  Here is a list of 30 famous first tweets http://mashable.com/2011/05/10/celebrities-on-twitter-30-famous-first-tweets/.  Have any unique Twitter tips you would like to add? Share with us, we’d love to hear from you!

“Manners Monday” – “Feeling a Bit Under the Weather?” – Try Minimizing the Spread of Colds & Flu with Manners

Each year at the same time, I make the ceremonious phone call to my physician, as well as the girls’ pediatrician to schedule our annual appointments for the flu shot. The moment I make the announcement my youngest starts to freak out!  She would rather eat lima beans than get the flu vaccination, or any shot, for that matter.  Thankfully, all the lead up to the shot winds up being much worse than the shot itself.  We all manage to escape without any signs of flu-like symptoms and our only reminder is a little soreness in the arm, or in their case, the tushy.

I have no clue if the flu vaccine really works or is just a placebo to pacify our nerves.  Last year, my girls and my husband all had fevers and their share of the stomach flu more than once.  Somehow I miraculously dodged it, which is crazy, especially since I was the one cleaning up after everyone!  Maybe mothers have some special “get out of flu” free pass because if we go down, the family will not be able to function without us!  Who knows?

What I do know is, I am not a fan of the flu or colds and will try to stay as far away from them as possible.  Frankly, I just don’t have the time to get sick!  I know there can be something cozy, and even romantic, about it. After all, it does offer us an opportunity to slow down, to stay in our pajamas all day, drink hot soup and curl up in bed with a good book, but after a day or two I get major cabin fever.  Personally, I would much rather wear garlic around my neck and avoid the whole mess altogether!  Side note – garlic actually has powerful anti-viral, antibiotic and anti-fungal properties that help boost the immune system. 

So when cold and flu season rolls around (usually around the beginning of October), I try to do my share as a responsible parent and respectful citizen to make sure that a few rules are in place to help minimize the spread of germs while maintaining my good manners.  Here are my top tips for properly handling oneself and preventing the proliferation of infection.

Symptoms & Signs. You’ve seen the commercials, the close-ups on someone coughing, sniffling or sneezing. We know when we begin to feel that tickle in our throats, the heaviness in our eyes or a queasy belly that something most definitely is awry. Most of the time, we ignore it and do our best to carry on and sometimes we are knocked completely off our feet and forced to lay low.  The important thing is to recognize our own bodies and know when we should stay home as opposed to going out and infecting others.  This is a sign of respect and others will thank us for it. 

Washing Hands. This is the number one rule to protect us against the spread of germs and infection.  Washing hands is also part of a proper hygiene routine.  Adults and children alike must remember to wash their hands with soap and warm water to protect themselves and maintain good health.  A good rule of thumb is to wash hands after bathroom use, returning home at the end of the day, before eating a meal and after shaking hands with someone who may be sick.  Children should also get used to washing hands the moment they come home from school. 

Boosting Immunity.  Eating warm food on a cold day not only fuels the body, but feeds the soul.  Adding preventative ingredients such as garlic, ginger and spice into our diets not only helps with digestion, but also assists with staving off colds and flu.  When we are feeling under the weather, a bowl of warm oatmeal for breakfast and homemade chicken soup for lunch or dinner is best. Liquids are also important for hydration and flushing out germs.  Drinking a hot cup of chamomile or mint tea with honey or a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice may be just what the doctor ordered.   

Dressing Warm.  I absolutely love the cold weather and I am the first person to break out the coats come Fall.  Although Southern California is warm by comparison to other parts of the U.S., we still have a cold day or two and it is necessary to know how to dress appropriately for the weather.  The key areas to keep warm are the neck, head and feet.  No matter how cold you may be feeling, if you put a scarf around your neck or a hat on your head, you will be just fine.  As far as shoes go, I am a huge proponent of wearing cozy Uggs or similar slippers around the house in the winter time rather than bare feet.  It turns out that I may be on to something.  Apparently, there is a connection between the walls of our nose and cold feet that actually breaks down our defenses.  If we protect our feet and keep them warm, we’re actually helping to fight off potential infection.  

Shaking Hands.  As an etiquette instructor, handshaking is a must.  I can’t tell you how many people I have come across who refuse to shake my hand due to illness.  Would they refuse the President’s hand if he had a cold?  I think not! My feeling is if you’re too sick to shake my hand hello, then you shouldn’t be wandering out of the house in the first place.  It is plain rude!  To bother to go out and socialize and then refuse to properly greet others is awkward and insulting.  If you are too sick to shake hands, simply stay home!  If you are the recipient of a handshake and worried about the spread of germs, discretely head off to the restroom to give a good Silkwood wash with soap and water.

Covering your Mouth.  Believe it or not, sneezing and coughing without covering your mouth ranked as one of the highest manners offenses.  Adults should know better, but how many times have we yelled these words to our children just after they’ve let loose and showered us with their germs.  They are constantly forgetting to cover their mouths when they cough or they sneeze.  And where are the little hankies or boxes of Kleenex around when you need one?  At school, children are taught to sneeze into their elbow (a/k/a “the Dracula sneeze”) and at home they are asked to use a tissue. Either way, the proper way to capture a sneeze or cough is to turn your head towards your right shoulder away from others to avoid spreading germs directly, or, if you are lucky enough to have advance notice, carry tissues and use them when you feel a sneeze or cough coming on. Finally, if you see a fellow sufferer let out a sneeze with no tissue in sight, be polite and offer them a Kleenex, it might actually save you from getting sick.

Acting Responsibly. As adults we know there is never a good time to get sick.  With the pressures of everyday life and a society that expects you to be available 24/7, getting sick seems like a luxury not many of us can afford.  With children, however, we have no choice but to stop and alter our plans. It is inevitable that a child will come down with a cold or flu at the most inopportune time and as parents it is our job to act responsibly and keep our children home, especially with fever or a stomach virus.  It is wildly inappropriate to bring them to school or schedule a play date unless they have had a minimum of 24-48 hours symptom free.

Do you use your best manners when it comes to spreading germs?  Be honest, have you ever sent your child to school when they should have stayed home?  Share your stories with us. We'd love to hear from you!

Manners Monday - "Tricks are For Kids" - Halloween Etiquette Primer for Kids of all Ages

Kids of all ages love Halloween. Young children begin prompting their parents for costumes as early as August. Some of them have been planning which superhero or princess they want to be months prior while others can't wait to visit the pumpkin patches and eat candy corn till their hearts are content. Many celebrate with Halloween parties and decorated houses and a few skip the festivities altogether preferring to curl up on the couch watching a scary movie. However you choose to acknowledge the holiday, parents and children alike should take a moment to review our essential Halloween etiquette tips on how to survive the night of fright!

Trick-or-Treating. Halloween is a perfect "training" time to teach children how to mind their "P's" & "Q's." After just a few house visits, your two year old will be an expert! Begin trick or treating at dusk while there is still some light for safety. Try not to crowd or stampede the doorways or lean on doorbells. Teach your children to be patient and polite and to remember the all important "please" when they ask for a treat and "thank you" when they receive it. There is nothing like seeing a ghost or goblin at your front door with impeccable manners. At least one parent should accompany all children up to the age of twelve. Trick-or-treating should generally end around 9pm as most families with children and older adults are preparing for bed by that time. 

Neighborhoods. It is perfectly acceptable to travel outside one’s own neighborhood, particularly, for children who live in a hillside neighborhood without sidewalks or for children who may be living in a neighborhood that is less than child-friendly. However, if you do decide to leave your neighborhood, the next best thing is to trick-or-treat in a neighborhood that you are familiar with or that is the neighborhood of a friend. If a house is dark and all the lights are turned off, this is the unwritten signal that the family is not participating in the ritual or may not even be at home.

Costumes. As far as costumes for children, the general rule is that they be kid-friendly. Politically incorrect outfits or very scary horror costumes are not considered appropriate. Older teens and adults may choose to let their wild imagination get the best of them, however, etiquette dictates that whatever they choose, they should try to be considerate of others and their environment. Ask yourself one simple question, "Is my costume disrespectful or would it offend or scare another person at the party"? If the answer is yes, then find an alternate choice. 

Candy.  It's amazing how much power is packed into this 5-letter word.  The mere mention of candy sends kids into a feeding frenzy. They will do anything for it!!  The number one rule with Halloween candy is to make sure parents have checked it before it is eaten. Children should also stay away from candy that is handmade or specially prepared unless you know the family. As far as managing their intake and what to do with all of their leftover loot, my daughters' school had some fabulous suggestions for young children:  (1) Allow small children to choose 3 treats as they’re trick-or-treating and save the rest. Then suggest they select 5 more pieces to keep and leave the remainder out for the Sugar Witch who picks up the candy while they’re sleeping and leaves a small gift behind.  (2) Set up a Halloween shop where your child can “buy” small items: toys, books, hair-clips, cool pens, etc. for every 6 oz or 4 bars of candy they use as currency.  (3) Let them choose to keep the candy at the rate of one piece every two days or opt to swap it in for any toy $10 or less at Toys R Us they want. For other alternatives and candy donations, check out  http://www.redtri.com/los-angeles/a-sweet-way-to-give-back-candy-buy-backs-in-la for a variety of ways to contribute your unwanted treats. 

Halloween Parties. Anyone with a birthday in October knows how much fun it can be to have a Halloween party. Encourage everyone to come dressed in costume to help set the tone for the party. Create a festive atmosphere by throwing on a scary movie in the background along with a soundtrack of spooky music.  Remember if you are hosting the party, be a gracious host and provide plenty of treats for your guests.  To cater to everyone, try to include a few health conscious options.  Make sure to be a good ghoul guest as well. Don't forget to bring a birthday gift or host gift for the party-giver as a thank you for including you in the celebration.

Pranks and Tricks. Halloween is meant to be fun, but not at the expense of others. Contrary to what we might see on television or in the movies, it is not an opportunity to toilet paper an individuals front yard or throw eggs at their front door. It also does not give one free reign to steal or damage pumpkins or other decorations. It is wise to stay away from anything that could potentially cause property damage as these types of pranks are not only dangerous, but illegal. If pranks and tricks are a must, try creating an imaginative fun house or haunted house for your friends and other guests to experience.

Safety First. It is best to have ample supplies on hand for emergencies. Sidewalks can be treacherous and lawns lined with electrical cords can be dangerous. Come prepared with flashlights to use to make sure you do not trip or fall. Keep a couple of Band Aids and some Neosporin on hand should minor accidents occur. Make sure to look both ways before crossing the streets. Although, there are more pedestrians out than usual, it is still dark and drivers may not be able to see clearly. Adults and children should stick together at all times. There is nothing more difficult than trying to track down a small child in the pitch black of night.

Guidelines for Older Children. Before the evening begins, parents should lay down a few ground rules with regard to expected behavior, general safety and curfew.  With regard to trick-or-treating, a child who has reached the age of sixteen or seventeen should retire their pumpkin candy bag for good.  When it comes to costumes, older children and teens should not let their wild imagination get the best of them. They can still wear something creative that is not disrespectful or offensive to others.  If they are attending a Halloween party, check to make sure there is a chaperon in attendance and that no alcoholic beverages are being served. If in doubt, offer to chaperon yourself. Curfew times should be age appropriate and explained before anyone leaves the house.

Any other Halloween etiquette tips you'd like to share that have worked for you and your family?  Please share with us.  We'd love to hear from you!

Manners Monday – "Other People’s Unruly Kids" – How & When to Broach the Subject

I was interviewed by Martha Stewart Living Radio this morning on the subject of other people’s ill-mannered children and how to broach the subject with the little rascals and their parents when their bad behavior starts to rub off on your own children.  

As parents we’ve all had our fair share of experience with other people’s unruly kids.  If we’re lucky, we can steer clear of them by staying as far away as possible.  But what can you do, when the offending children are your own family members or the children of your closest friends?  That creates quite the sticky situation that requires the perfect amount of finesse.  We all parent differently, everybody has their own set of priorities and values, but when little Timmy’s horrific manners start to rub off on my impressionable girls, then that’s where I draw the line.  I don’t care if he is their first cousin or a friend from school.  Something’s gotta give and someone’s gonna hear about it!

Unfortunately, regardless of how stringent we are with instilling our own children with good manners, it takes just one encounter with a child who is misbehaving to seemingly obliterate all the work we have done. It is part of human nature that our children be lured towards the boorish side of bad rather than the genteel side of good and there’s not much we can do about it other than to try to pick up the pieces and hope that, like riding a bicycle, our children will remember to find their natural balance again. 

So what are our best tactics for eliciting the best behavior in our own kids as well as other children and how can we gently broach the subject with our friends and family members when their kids act out without turning it into a scene from “God of Carnage?”  Here are our top tips below. 

·        Tread lightly on the subject.  You don’t want to feel helpless, but it can be extremely frustrating trying to communicate the gravity of a situation when it is falling on deaf ears.  This is especially true when you encounter parents who ignore their children’s rude behavior and think they can do no wrong. Before launching into a tirade however, first remember to give others the benefit of the doubt. You never know if a parent is having a particularly rough day and therefore their children are too.  If the parent appears plain irresponsible, then your next course of action is to speak up, just be careful to tread lightly so as not to offend. Many parents will become quickly defensive and tend to blame the accuser for being too sensitive. Chances are if the children are a certain way, so are the parents.  After all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

·        Our control is limited.  No matter how hard we try, we cannot control other children’s behavior, we can only control the behavior of our own children.  If you discover that the uncontrollable actions of your friends and family members’ children are beginning to affect the behavior of your own children, you have a few options. (1) You may schedule future outings with the children at a neutral location rather than in the home. (2) You can advise your child to befriend other children (this works with friends only, unfortunately we do not get to choose our family), and (3) You can politely decline future plans with the child when asked (again this works much better with friends than family). With family, you should not have to stand on ceremony or make up excuses. A calm, straightforward conversation might do the trick and even bring everyone a little closer in the end.

·        Know when to speak up.  If another unruly child is hurting your child, either physically or by being verbally abusive, then a parent must step in.   It is our duty as to make sure our children are protected and unharmed. This communication should be handled by phone or with a face-to-face conversation.  An email, text or any other form of electronic communication would be detrimental to the situation as it is crucial that facial expressions, body language and tone all be considered during the exchange.

·      Eliminate the drama.  Without placing blame or adding unnecessary drama, parents can get their point across in one of two ways.  (1) Befriend the parent and feign camaraderie with a tale of how your older child used to do the same terrible thing, but thankfully grew out of it or (2) Hitting the subject head on and explaining in very simple terms your personal rules for conduct and behavior.  The first way is advised if you care to have a future relationship with the parent and the second is for those parents you intend to stay far away from at all costs.

·       Addressing the child directly. The easiest place to address the child is when they are playing in your home under your roof.  Before the play date even begins you can sit both parties down and go over house rules: no jumping on the furniture, no throwing balls, no running in the house, all food is to be eaten in the kitchen or dining area, etc.  If the child ignores the rules, you can give them a warning that their parent will be called and then 3 strikes you’re out.  At a park, if a child is invading your child’s space, you may suggest to the child to play nicely and then keep a close watch to make sure they stay in line.

The bottom line is, it is truly the parent’s responsibility to teach their children good manners by setting boundaries and instilling consequences for unacceptable behavior.  It is not about being their child’s best friend, but rather about teaching them guidelines for living that will boost their confidence and increase their self-esteem.  They may not love you for it in the moment, but they will learn to respect you for it in the long run.   

Have any nightmare stories to share about other people's unruly children and the tactics you used to restore order?  We'd love to hear from you!

Manners Monday – "Life Lessons from Steve Jobs: Grit, Resilience & Gratitude"

Sunday, October 16^th was declared “Steve Jobs Day” in the State of California by our Governor, Jerry Brown. The acknowledgement pays homage to the tech genius who transformed the way we lived and who passed away years too soon from a long battle with pancreatic cancer.  His memorial took place on Stanford University’s campus, the same grounds where he recited his now infamous commencement speech for the graduating class of 2005 http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2011/oct/09/steve-jobs-stanford-commencement-address.

On the day of his passing, the commencement address circulated like wildfire and I re-read it again, along with so many others, with tears in my eyes and feelings of grief for yet another life taken before their time.  I thought about my two young girls and how they have their whole lives ahead of them to hopefully discover something they are passionate about so that they can begin to make their mark in the world. 

As parents, we spend a great deal of time banging our heads against the wall trying to figure out the best course of action for our children that will provide them with the skills to evolve into happy, successful, fulfilled adults.  While there are no sure things and, I personally feel a lot of parenting has to do with prayer and luck, I do feel there are some extremely valuable lessons to be learned from this pioneer who broke out of the norm, stayed determined and triumphed over and over again.  Steve Job’s achievements were enormous and took tremendous imagination and tenacity, but to me it was his remarkable grit, resilience and gratitude that kept him going and allowed him to attain such colossal success. 

In a world where parents are overly protective of their kids, will do anything to prevent them from experiencing hardship and mistakenly provide them with all they desire leading to entitlement, the life lessons learned from these three traits are more critical now than ever.  There is nothing wrong with helping our children develop a thicker skin, encouraging them to work through difficulty even when it feels uncomfortable and inspiring them to forge ahead on the road less traveled if it is their passion. It’s called building good character. 

Grit. Especially today, when our young children are faced with so many challenges, grit stands out for me as a characteristic that is vital to their survival.  If my girls have an altercation with another child, I encourage them to try and work it out amongst themselves rather than stepping in to save the day.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little adversity. Although I speak to my girls about inclusion, I also share with them that not everyone has to love everyone all the time. This is part of life and sometimes they will be disappointed and their feelings will be hurt. I want to encourage my daughters to stand up for themselves and be able to speak their minds if they are not being treated with respect. I want them to have the tools to fight their own battles rather than interceding, unless of course, things get out of hand and it is necessary for a parent to step in. I would much rather my girls learn how to be courageous and determined on the playground in the hopes that they might have an easier time applying these skills to the boardroom. Steve Jobs showed grit when he dropped out of college after realizing that his parent’s money would be better spent by him taking courses that truly interested him rather than those that were required.

Resilience. Equally important, in my book, is raising children with resilience and the ability to bounce back.  As much as I wish this wasn’t true, life is full of disappoint and set back’s and the earlier children are familiar with this notion, the better.  While I don’t wish to scare my daughters or prevent them from being happy, carefree kids, I feel it is critical that they develop a healthy layer of thick skin so that they can forge through an uncomfortable situation or learn to finish what they start to feel that sense of achievement. I believe it’s my job to motivate them, to help turn their hesitance into confidence.  I want them to understand that a silly fight with a friend does not have to be debilitating, that they have the power within themselves to turn a situation around or move on if they so choose to.  I want them to feel confident with their decisions, but if they discover something isn’t working to have the strength and perseverance to go in a different direction rather than throw in the towel in defeat.   After Steve Jobs got fired from Apple, he didn’t lose faith, he didn’t settle.  Instead, he displayed surprising resilience by picking himself up and starting a new venture which also became wildly successful called NeXT.

Gratitude.  I cannot think of a more valuable asset than the ability to be grateful, particularly when there are so many children that seem to err on the side of entitlement.  To teach children to apply themselves, to respect themselves and to be thankful each day will ensure their happiness, for it is virtually impossible to be happy if you are not grateful for what you have. I hope to impart this concept to my girls so that they will never take anything for granted, but rather learn to appreciate the miracles of life both big and small. Whether they write a thank you note to a friend for a sleepover or give a giant hug to their grandparents for taking them to Disneyland, I want them to learn that being grateful not only feels good personally, but it reaps everlasting rewards with others. Steve Jobs exemplified gratitude in the tremendous effort he put into his work, from painstakingly figuring out the colors of each new product to taking such pleasure in personally presenting them to his audience at each new launch.  He seemed eternally grateful for his amazing success and it showed up to his very last day…

How do you feel about instilling these traits in your children? Do you have other attributes you find more important?  Share with us.  We'd love to hear from you!