Wednesday Wisdom - Five Ways to Avoid Talking Turkey at Thanksgiving

This past week I've heard nothing but phrase for Thanksgiving. It is probably one of the most beloved holidays of the year.  Practically everyone looks forward to sitting down to a sumptuous feast surrounded by family and friends.  Whether the guest list is comprised of crazy blood relatives or an eclectic mashup of companions and co-workers, one thing's for certain, Thanksgiving provides us with an opportunity to share in each other's company and feel grateful without the pressure of giving anything but our time and our presence.

Bearing this in mind, the best thing we can do for one another on this day devoted to giving thanks is to hold our collective tongues and avoid talking turkey at all costs. No need to speak frankly and please leave your passionate one-sided opinions at home.  Trust me, they'll be there waiting for you when you return. The Thanksgiving table is not the time to rehash terrible atrocities or stand on soapboxes of any kind.  Our cup is full after what has seemed like an endless stream of outrageous scandals, senseless crimes, and unforeseen disasters.  On this day we can take a break from getting to the meat of the matter and focus instead on what's truly important - the sides - those kindler, gentler exchanges that guide our conversations and drive civil discourse.  To ensure your Thanksgiving is free of controversy, here are five ways to avoid talking turkey at the table this year.  

1. Make it a formal affair. To create harmony at Thanksgiving, create a more formal atmosphere. Set the tone of the Thanksgiving meal and keep things cordial by encouraging all guests to dress for the occasion. They will be much more inclined to be on their best behavior and turn on the charm than if they had arrived in their stretchy sweatpants and comfy sweaters.

2. Keep atmosphere light and breezy. It is a well-known fact that humor is the best remedy to loosen things up and relieve a tense situation. Levity is definitely the way to go with those guests who are wound up too tight. If the air is so thick you can cut it with a knife, put on a fun holiday movie, crack a few jokes or encourage a spontaneous game of charades which is always guaranteed to make people laugh. This should help alleviate the tension and hopefully make everyone forget their troubles (at least for a while).

3. Refrain from pushing each other's buttons. Family members and close friends are acutely aware of just the right button to push that might trigger another guest even on their best day. Bite your tongue, count to ten, run a lap around the block, do whatever you can to abstain from saying the wrong thing that may potentially ruin the entire occasion. You have the control and it is within your power to hold back, smile and rise above the situation.

4. Compliments are better than criticism. When we relax and are truly present for one another it is easy to find something nice to say that will make the other person feel good and loved during this time of year. Compliments are always well-received. It doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering, but it should definitely be authentic. After you pay a compliment, you may be pleasantly surprised by a normally restrained guest who now feels more inclined to pay you a compliment in return.

5. Find something to be thankful for. Recognize the obvious and be thankful for the small things. Being invited to someone's home or hosting a Thanksgiving meal is a blessing in itself. For older relatives in attendance, this may be their last. You never know what the future holds so cherish each moment together, appreciate each other and concentrate on the positive, unique attributes. Finally, before you gorge yourself with the Thanksgiving feast, go around the table and say one thing you are thankful for and maybe even one nice thing to each person at the table. This will bring instant connection and warmth to everyone in the room and isn't that all we really want anyway?

Manners Monday - Petiquette: 8 Tips for Civilizing your Furry Friend at Holiday Time & Beyond

In Beverly Hills, it’s quite commonplace to treat your pet like a person.  They are a bona fide member of the family attending power lunches, going to the salon and staying in the finest hotels. They hide inconspicuously in Hermés totes and parade down red carpets with equal ease.  They’re accustomed to accompanying their companions on shopping sprees at Neiman Marcus and finishing the day dining al fresco at The Ivy. 

Whether your pet is living the high life in a tony town or enjoying a more laid-back lifestyle by the beach, they must learn to be civilized and socialized just like the rest of the clan. To ensure your furry friend makes a positive impression, follow these recommended rules of petiquette guaranteed to keep them on their best behavior at holiday time and beyond.

1. Observe Pets Presentation. They say many pets resemble their owners. You’ll never see a disheveled or unkempt pet in Beverly Hills.  Just saunter through Saks on any given Saturday and you’ll see an assemblage of pets expertly coiffed, dressed to the nines, smelling like a rose in brand name carriers. These owners will have ample supplies on hand, wipes for muddy paws, portable water dishes with filtered water to quench thirst and resting pads for getting some shut-eye.

2. Approach with Caution.  Not everyone is aware of how to properly approach a pet.   Big, excitable or aggressive dogs must be tethered or leashed in the event a small child or elderly adult decides to get close without a formal introduction.  Want to get up close and personal? Ask permission from the owner first and then proceed cautiously.

3. Be Mindful of their Mess.  My aesthetician told me about a client who routinely brings her pet to the salon only to leave small presents on the bathroom floor for others to clean up.  This is not only unsanitary and could cost the salon its license, but it is inexcusable.  Rule number one is clean up after your pet's mess.  Have your scooper and small bags handy to remove said offenses immediately. Don’t let your pet relieve themselves anywhere, certainly not on other people’s property. Walk them curbside and encourage them to ‘go’ there.

4. Train them Young.  Obedience training is a must for all dogs.  It is for their safety and yours.  Simple commands such as how to ‘sit’ and ‘stay’ are a necessity and will help socialize your dog so that they can be around others.  Even dog lovers get annoyed when a pooch jumps and claws at them when they walk through the door. 

5. No Barking or Begging Zone.  Excessive barking can be a big nuisance and be upsetting to those within earshot.  Don’t risk a noise complaint from next door. High strung pets who live in smaller quarters should have a regular exercise routine to release repressed energy.  A little fresh air and running around will exhaust them and calm them down so they will not bark unreasonably.  Begging is unacceptable and can also spread germs. Never feed a dog table food and if begging ensues, remove them immediately from the scene.

6. Travel Companion or Therapy Animal?  As many a non-disabled person will circumvent the law and obtain a handicap placard for easier parking, there are those that claim their pet is a service animal so they may travel first class.  Pet Partners® has never been more popular!  If you have an emotional or physical disability and are in need of a therapeutic travel companion, I understand. Have your applicable paperwork, tag and license on hand. If not, please don’t subject the rest of us to your service pet antics, it is not very becoming.

7. Preferable Pet Sitting.  Don’t burden your family and friends with the responsibility of watching your pet when you leave town.  If they are interested in babysitting your pet while you’re away, they will let you know.  Neighbors make a nice option, especially if the relationship is reciprocal and you both leave at different times. Otherwise, enlist the help of a professional pet sitting service.  Check references and make sure they are insured and bonded before dropping your unsuspecting pet at their door.

8.  Love Me, Love My Pet.  You and your canine may be attached at the hip, but that does not give them license to tag along to your social engagements or accompany you at work.  Many people are allergic to pet fur. Untrained pets may damage furniture or permanently stain rugs leaving a wake of destruction in their path.  Showing up with yours unannounced can be considered incredibly insensitive.  If you are in a bind with your pet, have the courtesy to ask permission and wait for the green light.  Be gracious and make sure your pet is on their extra-special best behavior.

Don't forget to shower your pet with lots of love along with a treat or toy to reward them for their hard work.

Manners Monday - Old Adage of No White after Labor Day No Longer Holds Water

The old adage of 'no white after Labor Day' no longer holds water.  Fashionistas and trendsetters in the know don't fall prey to such archaic beliefs.  They beat to their own drum turning a cheek to the majority and shunning convention.  Coco Chanel, one of the greatest fashion icons of all time, balked at the notion of banning white after Labor Day and made it a permanent staple in her wardrobe. 

Historically, white garments were associated with a look of leisure reserved mainly for the privileged.  They were a status symbol for the fortunate souls who were able to change their clothing with the season.  Many of the well-to-do adorned themselves in white linen pant suits, light cotton shirts, and white Panama hats as they escaped their sweltering city dwellings for more appealing climates.  When they returned from their vacations, they would deposit their summer duds and circulate a wardrobe that consisted of darker, heavier material.

Nowadays, we hold a different perspective.  Rather than scramble through the closet searching for white dresses, white pant suits, white flowing tops, any significant white piece of clothing to get our hands on as a last ditch effort to make sure it is worn before the clock strikes midnight, we may regard the cleansing of our white clothing almost as a symbolic ritual.  It is a purging of sorts that helps transition both mentally and physically from the light and carefree days of summer into the more industrious and diligent days that make up the fall season. 

But white is, in fact, embraced and acceptable any time of the year.  You'd be hard pressed to find a closest that doesn't contain a white button down men's dress shirt or a woman's white button down blouse.  These are one of the few essentials of every wardrobe paired beautifully with a pair of dark denim jeans and a blazer for a more casual look or worn with a tailored pant or skirt suit for a formal business meeting. It is one of the top items female executives will wear for their press photo presenting a no-nonsense look with a sense of approachability. White sneakers are also all the rage making their debut years ago by famous entertainers and athletes and still a mainstay in fashion, particularly the white leather variety which may be worn in summer or winter.  And, let's not forget winter white with its slightly creamier shade of white and heavier fabric which is very much on-trend in the winter months.  The fashion magazines sing its praises and dedicate pages of styles after Labor Day to the cozy look.  

So while we pay tribute to the laborers who toiled away in the trenches and stood on the picket lines fighting for their rights, step out this Labor Day with confidence wearing your white. Confidence is, after all, the number one accessory that is appreciated any time of the year.  

And for all you wine and champagne lovers like myself, I raise my glass to you! Just a couple more whites that are savored and welcome all year long.

Mom is CEO, First Lady & Role Model Rolled into One Pretty Package – NO Pressure!

In the past week, I have heard a rainbow of responses from mothers about what will transpire this Mother’s Day.  One of my girlfriends who is not a fan of Hallmark holidays absolutely dreads the day and would rather ignore it entirely. Another mom I chatted up in spin class said her Mother’s Day has never once been about her and instead is about placating her mother and mother-in-law.  At a luncheon I attended recently, I laughed out loud when I heard that in anticipation of Mother’s Day this mom surreptitiously added money to her daughter’s credit card in the hope of receiving a decent Mother’s Day gift. A mantra from most of the mothers I’ve talked to is that they simply do not want to spearhead the planning of their own Mother’s Day.  Their needs are simple.They want to sleep in and not be bogged down by questions and carpooling and other demands typically put upon them every other day of the year.  A mother who had the faintest idea of what was in store for her special day summed it up best when she told me, “You have to have zero expectations, so you aren’t disappointed.” 

Meanwhile, zero expectations is the complete antithesis of what a mom fulfills for her children on a nearly daily basis.  She is, after all, CEO of the household, First Lady of the family, and the original role model rolled into one pretty package. She is the go-to-gal for virtually everything.  Scraped knee, belly ache, hurt feelings, bruised heart?  No problem, she is on it with ice packs, hot compresses, an ear to listen, and a shoulder to lean on. She is a jack-of-all trades, superhero combining the expert skills of a doctor, lawyer, limo driver, plumber, housekeeper, chef, party planner, travel agent, and so much more.  She is a master scheduler and ninja multi-tasker.  When it comes to her children, nothing can stand in her way.  She will move mountains and part seas to protect them. She is a tiger mom, a soccer mom, and a mama bear armed with a take-no-prisoners attitude and a don’t-even-think-about-messing-with-me spirit. And that is why we love her!

Mom as role-model possesses an ethereal elegance. She is poised, composed, thoughtful, presentable, well-spoken, and, of course, well-mannered.  We hold her up on a pedestal and demand her absolute best all of the time.  Does this job come with a great deal of pressure?  You betcha!  Why do you think so many moms count the seconds until they can glean just one peaceful moment to down their wine devoid of interruption?  For all of these reasons and a thousand more, it is important to show mom the love on this day dedicated to her greatness and to recognize that with all of the amazing things she does, she is also human and she will make mistakes, grave mistakes every now and again.  

So today cut her some slack and shower her with the love she so rightly deserves.  Do a dish, take out the garbage, hold your tongue, set the table, pull out her chair, help her with her coat, give her a hug, and most importantly, say thank you and tell her how much you appreciate her.  That is guaranteed to put a smile on her face at least until…Father’s Day.  Don’t even get me started on moms many roles and responsibilities when it comes to the care and keeping of DAD!

Holiday Office Party Survival Guide - 7 Tips to Maintaining Your Dignity & Keeping Your Career

If you work for a company, this is the final week to prepare for the holiday office party. Beginning in December, employees and management start bracing themselves for this annual seasonal event. While the minority looks forward with anticipation to the occasion, most drag their feet deliberating over whether they have to attend, how long they need to show face, and what genius excuse they can use to slip out quickly if necessary.  We spend most of our waking hours with our work mates, is it really necessary to celebrate the holidays as well, especially when we’ve seen how fast they can go awry?  Do we really need to watch Angus from Accounting guzzle his fourth bottle of beer atop the bar counter or catch a glimpse of Marsha from Marketing getting too chummy with her coworker in the corner booth?  The answer is YES.  

The holiday office party exists for two simple reasons. First and foremost, to show upper management you are jazzed about your job, and secondly, to mix and mingle with colleagues and prove you are a team player. This is not the time to let off steam from a hard year of slogging in the trenches and no matter how strong the holiday punch, you may never badmouth the boss. On the contrary, it’s an opportunity to network, advance, and shine. Here are seven tips to surviving the holiday office party and keeping your career.

1. Dress Up!  Style experts say to dress for the career you aspire to and the holiday office party is the perfect time to debut your new look. Dress festive, but professional. Refrain from wearing anything revealing and this goes for women, as well as men!  No low declotage or plummer's cracks please.  Leave the questionable Christmas sweater and Santa hat for the family party. This is not the time to let your freak flag fly as they used to say, especially if it will give your officemates the impression that you have an alternate career in the circus. 

2. Ration the Booze.  I generally advise partygoers to down a few espressos and some protein bars before arriving to any work gathering (followed by copious breath mintage). Even if there’s an open bar stocked with top shelf bottles, and you can only afford bottom shelf, make that highball last all night. Keep filling it with ice and water. A series of alcoholic beverages will leave you slow-witted, tongue-tied and a little over-affectionate. You won't be sorry the next day when you hear the story about Dan from Distribution who was dancing on the conference table and drunkenly mimicking the CEO.  

3. Beware of Overstuffing. Eat a little something beforehand to layer your stomach so you are not famished and overstuffing yourself at the buffet table. You are not stocking up for a hurricane. It can get weird watching officemates gorge themselves like it's their last meal, especially when they try to talk at the same time.  No cutting in line and please refrain from eating until you arrived at your table.  Remember, the focus should be on socializing, not filling your belly with food. 

4. Have Fun Without Being Too Friendly. The holiday office party is your in to freely socialize with higher-ups. Don’t ruin it by hitting on your office crush with everyone watching because you’ve downed a bucket of liquid courage (liquid insanity!). Have fun, but avoid getting too friendly. Experiencing a particularly rough holiday season? Keep it on the QT. There is no place for personal business at work.  Save your sorrow-drowning for the privacy of your own home. This is your career on the line. 

5. Keep Your Lips Zipped. This is one time of the year where upper management and employees mix and mingle. Don’t let loose with your opinions, the ones you’ve kept bottled up, all year, under lock and key. And never utter an ill word about the company or co-workers. Avoid talking about politics, religion, money matters, health issues, relationship problems and gossip of any kind. Good topics to get the convo going?  Ask a question or offer a compliment.  Talk about the weather, upcoming plans for the holidays or travel to visit family or friends, timely cultural events and exhibits, holiday movies, music and books.  

6. Sane Gift Exchange. When it comes to gifting policies, it never hurts to consult the HR department or somone who oversees office protocols to make sure it's acceptable. For the boss, nothing too personal or pricey, and nothing that touches the skin (no jewelry, perfume, clothing, intimates). Steer clear of personal gifts unless you know the person very well. Food items such as a fruit basket, bread delivery or coffee/tea gift card are practical and thoughtful. Books or magazine subscriptions make the perfect gift as long as the content is appropriate. Stay away from alcohol gifts, they may be frowned upon. Hand your boss a gift at the office or during the holiday party. Never send a gift to the home. 

7. Send Old School Thank You's. Being charming, thoughtful and kind is always be welcome at holiday time. A handwritten holiday card to accompany a gift or a heartfelt thank you note to a colleague takes precedence over a quick text or post on social media. Don't forget to send a special thanks to the person responsible for organizing that lavish, splendiferous, superfun office holiday party. There is no better way to make a lasting impression and ensure your job security in the new year.  

Burberry Holiday Event for Beverly Hills Manners

Really, all a girl needs is a good blow-dry, a pair of fabulous heels, and a trench coat to protect her from the elements, and she’s good to go.

When I was approached by Burberry this past summer with the idea of a festive holiday event to celebrate the release of my newly titled paperback book, Beverly Hills Manners: Golden Rules from the World's Most Glamorous Zip Code, I was elated. The book was due to release in mid-November and the holiday season is absolutely my most favorite time of the year. 

The alignment felt like a match made in heaven. After all, the British company not only represents the epitome of style and taste (made most famous for their trench coat) with stores and franchises spanning the globe, but the British in general are widely known for their impeccable manners. They have basically cornered the market on the subject and kept manners in fashion over the years. Nothing beats a British accent, it makes even the most common vernacular sound spectacularly eloquent. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have completely revitalized the Royal family with spectators and fans calculating their every move and clamoring to catch a glimpse of their Royal Highnesses. And, everyone is enamored with "Downton Abbey," the British period drama television series entering its fifth season this January, as the arbiter of all things civilized and sophisticated.  

The fascination with the British reaches far and wide symbolizing a timeless elegance, eternal class and infinite order, elements sorely lacking here in the U.S. where casual Fridays rule, boorish behavior reigns, and reality show stars receive the royal treatment. 

America is in desperate need of a reboot! I am on a mission with my company, my book and my brand to single-handedly bring back the importance of good manners and raise the awareness level here in the U.S., beginning with our tony town of Beverly Hills. A city I am proud to call home.

After months of planning, the Burberry event took place at their new flagship store on Rodeo Drive in mid-December. I happily donned a Burgundy dress from the Burberry Brit collection in honor of the occasion.  Quotes from my book were printed on placards and placed throughout the floors and autographed copies were distributed to guests upon departure. Fun was had by all with proceeds benefiting P.S. Arts, an outstanding organization providing quality arts education programs to underserved public schools. 

Manners Monday – #DareToBePolite – Dining & Entertaining

December marks month two of our #DareToBePolite campaign.  Fresh off the Thanksgiving bandwagon, it’s time to now prepare for the throngs of holiday party soirees and the endless amounts of invitations, obligations and appreciations that will ensue from now until New Year’s. Whether an intimate gathering with a select few or a massive affair with hundreds, the basic tenets still apply and are expected to be upheld. Always make your guests feel welcome, create a cozy atmosphere, keep the conversation flowing, avoid stirring the pot, don’t disgust your dining partners, and have an endless supply of libations on hand.

For the next several weeks we will be exploring everyday table manners as well as formal dining skills in a variety of settings from the living room to the board room and over power breakfasts, lunches and dinners. We will dissect food idiosyncrasies, dietary restrictions and culinary options to expand both the palate along with the mind.  We will delve into the vast world of entertaining from the invitation and décor to the preferred cuisine and select entertainment. We will investigate the roles of the happy host along with the grateful guest and uncover the many quandaries that arise from the RSVP’s and attire to the requisite thank yous and goodbyes. Many of life’s most meaningful moments involve a degree of dining and entertaining and we need to bring our A-game to ensure we enjoy it to the fullest.

Step 2/Week 1: Dining & Entertaining: Setting the Tone.  The world of dining and entertaining offers an excellent opportunity to display ones best manners and perfect the art of feeling confident while putting others at ease. In these next seven days, we begin specifically with setting the tone. This is the first step in planning any occasion from a business dinner to a birthday party. The choice of venue, the degree of formality, the budget, the personality of the guests and the number of attendees must all be taken into consideration. Are you courting an international client over lunch?  A review of the continental dining skills may be in order to avoid sawing your steak.  Organizing a big birthday bash for your 80 year old mother? Selecting a venue with easy access for elderly guests as opposed to a venue for purely aesthetic reasons will hopefully be top on the list.  Setting the tone on a more symbolic level has more to do with frame of mind. Attending the annual office holiday party?  You may want to eat a little nibble beforehand to take the focus off of the free shrimp and more on the benefits of stress-free socializing with co-workers. In-laws invited you and your spouse to join them for a holiday weekend in the mountains?  You may wish to push aside personal differences and approach them with a willingness to get along rather than being just being right. Handling these subtle, yet vital issues beforehand sets the tone both mentally and physically and ensures the best outcome for all.    

A successful dining experience builds bonds and solidifies relationships.  A pleasurable party leaves warm lasting memories for years to come. How will you choose to set the tone or improve the tone in the next week?  Share with us what you discover in yourself and in others. Join us now! Make the vow to #daretobepolite!  

The Rules of Regifting - Seinfeld Style

In 1995, an episode of Seinfeld entitled "The Label Maker" was the first time the word regift was coined. It all started with Elaine who purchased a label maker as a Christmas gift for her friend Tim Whatley. He then apparently regifted the item to Jerry as a thank you for Super Bowl tickets Jerry had given him. This obviously upset Elaine and prompted her to exclaim, "He recycled this gift. He's a regifter!" She later discovers that the reason Whatley regifted the label maker was because the label adhesive wasn't strong enough, it was defective.

Holiday time is flush with gift-giving. Composing the long lists of whom to get gifts for and how much to spend. Should I give the person something I like or something I think they will like? Will they be happy with their gift or will it make them want to spit in my egg nog? Even if you spend hours deliberating over what you think may be the perfect gift, chances are it may wind up as a regift to someone else. Couple that with the current state of the economy and the overwhelming unemployment rate and you'll understand why regifting has become a more acceptable pastime. If you are the recipient of a regift or a serial regifter, here are a few etiquette rules we think will ensure goodwill to all this time of year.

1. To save your item from being regifted, make sure it isn't flawed. In Tim Whatley's defense, Elaine's gift was indeed defective and therefore he was unable to use it. Rather than tossing it in the garbage, he decided to pass it along to a friend. Should he have done that? Probably not. One should only regift an item that is in perfect working condition.

2. Inspect each item carefully before regifting. Conduct the equivilent of a Silkwood shower by removing all signs of previous ownership. Make sure there is no hidden writing with a personalized message, monogram or name. There should be no evidence of prior wrapping or packaging torn from being previously opened.

3. Regift items that are relatively new. There is nothing worse than receiving a regift from a store that no longer exists or an item that shows it's age like a boom box with a cassette player. Have the decency to at least re-gift something purchased within the same calendar year.

4. Some items should never be regifted. Gifts that have been opened or used should not be regifted. Nor should one-of-a-kind gifts or handmade gifts from loved ones, as that would be truly crushing. Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law should never re-gift items received from each other. Some relationships are so fragile that one re-gift given to the housekeeper could send them over the edge, and trust me, you do not need that!

5. Keep detailed records. Make sure you keep careful records each year of who gave you what gifts from holidays past. This will prevent you from accidentally regifting an item to someone who gave you the same gift the year prior.

6. Make the regift look spectacular. If you regift an item, at least take the time to make it look presentable, even spectacular. Purchase some new wrapping paper, tie on a ribbon and attach a well written, thoughtful card to the new recipient.

7. Acceptable circumstances for regifting. (1) If you are financially strapped and you are positive the recipient would enjoy the gift as much or even more than you do. (2) If you are attending a last minute party and do not have time to purchase a hostess gift. (3) If it is an act of generosity such as an article of clothing, a toy or a gift basket that you do not need and would be more appreciated by a local charity organization. (4) If you are participating in a secret holiday gift exchange. The cap for these gifts is typically $20 and just might be the perfect time to unload a re-gifted item that has been stashed in your closet.

8. Regift responsibly. Make wise choices and avoid conflict. Don't regift Uncle Fred, a recovering alcoholic, with a bottle of champagne you received from your client. Don't bring attention to Cousin Sheila's thyroid problem by regifting a giant popcorn canister from the office. And, avoid regifting your sensitive friend Susie with a collection of self-help books you received from your therapist.

9. Accept regifts graciously. Never point fingers at a re-gifter and don't feel obligated to tell the recipient they just received a regift. There is never a good way to mention a regift so it is better to keep this information to yourself on either end of the equation. If you receive a regift, simply accept it with grace and say "thank you". If you are the regifter and you are caught, the best you can do is pass it off as an intentional gag gift and then high tail it to the nearest store to buy something new and fabulous and include a gift receipt!

A final thought to regifters. A gift that is given from the heart that is either handmade or purchased is the best gift of all. Sometimes a re-gift feels like a slap in the face and conveys a feeling of I don't care enough about you to spend the money and that can feel pretty hurtful. Gift giving and receiving should induce pleasure. It should not feel obligatory. After all, it's not about what you give or receive, but the sincere thought that goes into the exchange.

“Naughty vs. Nice” – Why Be Nice When Naughty Seems To Have All the Fun?

I've had a lot of issues with this "naughty versus nice" dilemma. As a mother raising two impressionable girls and an etiquette instructor attempting to make headway in a society where vulgarity is the preferred norm of existence, I have a double interest in the cause. Just listen to the news on any given day and you'll hear countless stories of celebrities, athletes and politicians who have fallen from grace and made headlines with the naughty things they have done. These clips are tenfold in comparison to the lesser known good deeds or simple acts of kindness these same figures may have demonstrated in their past.

What happened to the innocent young children who were once consumed with getting on Santa's good side to ensure a gift? I wonder if they find the naughty side more attractive and appealing? How could they not when they are inundated by these images in the media? This whole "catching flies with honey business" (being nice) isn't necessary in order to grab your 5 minutes of fame. All that is needed is a little cat fighting, some hair pulling and name calling and you're in like flint with a new television contract and a product licensing deal. These are the messages our children are receiving and this is what is influencing their behavior. Although there is still the sprinkling of interstitials by well-known figures reminding us to give to those less fortunate or be mindful of others, those are few and far between and hardly make a difference.

So this December when children everywhere are contemplating their fate to determine which side of Santa's List they will appear on, I thought I'd take a closer look to find out why being nice has fallen by the wayside and being naughty has become the new aspirational goal.

1. Being nice does not mean you have to be a doormat. People sometimes confuse being nice with being a wallflower or a doormat. The type that lets everyone walk all over them. This is absolutely not the case. Being nice does not mean you must be agreeable all of the time or play the martyr. You can be nice and still be real and true to yourself as well as others. Being nice simply means being considerate and respectful. It also implies that you take a moment to put other people's feelings before your own and that you act with civility.

2. Only the good die young. Billy Joel's famous last words remind us that if we are good (nice), then our time on this earth is limited. Could there be some truth to this phrase? How else do we explain the untimely deaths of everyone from Martin Luther King Jr. to Elizabeth Edwards? On the flip side, think about how many rat bastards (naughty people) seem to stick around forever virtually unharmed! Unconsciously, perhaps this is encouraging us to err on the side of naughty to ensure we'll live well into our nineties!

3. Do not confuse the word "nice" with wallflower or milquetoast. A nice person may surprise you. If someone is described as nice, it does not mean they are meek or timid or even unassertive in their nature. It may simply mean that they have mastered the fine art of socialization. Their intentions are not calculated or cold. They do not have to resort to anger or crazy behavior that is typically associated with being naughty or nasty. They are just naturally able to make others feel good while still getting what they want or achieving their goals.

4. Nice guys finish last. The term "nice guy" originated in the dating world to describe a man who was emotionally supportive, kind and considerate towards women. The nice guy was the man who got the woman in the end because he was the marrying kind and would make a good father to their children. Rather than spend a lifetime of heartache and headache chasing the naughty boys, wise women learned to settle down with the nice guy who treated them with respect and put them on a pedestal. Note: Don't underestimate the nice guy, just because they're nice doesn't mean they don't know how to get naughty in the bedroom.

5. It is the nice thing to do. We are constantly being told this phrase by others. Parents especially like to impress this upon their children to teach them how to behave in the world. Oftentimes, these words come across as patronizing and actually have the opposite effect making us want to do the naughty thing instead just out of spite. Rather than making this feel like a chore, we have to begin internalizing the act of being nice to thereby make it feel more automatic. With practice, it should feel more comfortable and natural.

Finally, making a case for a return to nice. Isn't it time we got over all this naughty behavior and concentrated on just being nice? After all, it does reap its own rewards and it certainly feels a lot better. Take Kelly Osbourne, for example. Here's a young girl who was best known for her naughty escapades, lewd behavior and even more crude language on the MTV reality series, "The Osbournes." Now, several years later, she has slimmed down considerably, curbed her language and has actually become quite the young lady appearing as an expert for her generation and commenting on everything from style to deportment. If you were to ask her which way she prefers to view herself, I guarantee it would be in the present form. She has really transformed herself, a far cry from her peer Miss Lindsay Lohan (pictured above) who has continued her naughty ways. So think twice kiddies before making your decision this year and let's see if we can make a concerted effort to lengthen Santa's "nice" side of his list.

The Rules of Re-Gifting

Holiday time is flush with gift-giving. Composing the long lists of whom to get gifts for and how much to spend. Should I give the person something I like or something I think they will like? Will they be happy with their gift or will it make them want to spit in my egg nog? Even if you spend hours deliberating over what you think may be the perfect gift, chances are it may wind up as a re-gift to someone else. Couple that with the current state of the economy and the overwhelming unemployment rate and you'll understand why re-gifting has become a more acceptable pastime. If you are the recipient of a re-gift or a serial re-gifter, here are a few etiquette rules we think will ensure goodwill to all this time of year.

1. Inspect each item carefully before re-gifting. Conduct the equivilent of a Silkwood shower by removing all signs of previous ownership. Make sure there is no hidden writing with a personalized message, monogram or name. There should be no evidence of prior wrapping or packaging torn from being previously opened.

2. Re-gift items that are relatively new. There is nothing worse than receiving a re-gift from a store that no longer exists or an item that shows it's age like a boom box with a cassette player. Have the decency to at least re-gift something purchased within the same calendar year.

3. Some items should never be re-gifted. Gifts that have been opened or used should not be re-gifted. Nor should one-of-a-kind gifts or handmade gifts from loved ones, as that would be truly crushing. Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law should never re-gift items received from each other. Some relationships are so fragile that one re-gift given to the housekeeper could send them over the edge, and trust me, you do not need that!

4. Keep detailed records. Make sure you keep careful records each year of who gave you what gifts from holidays past. This will prevent you from accidentally re-gifting an item to someone who gave you the same gift the year prior.

5. Make the re-gift look spectacular. If you re-gift an item, at least take the time to make it look presentable, even spectacular. Purchase some new wrapping paper, tie on a ribbon and attach a well written, thoughtful card to the new recipient.

6. Acceptable circumstances for re-gifting. (1) If you are financially strapped and you are positive the recipient would enjoy the gift as much or even more than you do. (2) If you are attending a last minute party and do not have time to purchase a hostess gift. (3) If it is an act of generosity such as an article of clothing, a toy or a gift basket that you do not need and would be more appreciated by a local charity organization. (4) If you are participating in a secret holiday gift exchange. The cap for these gifts is typically $20 and just might be the perfect time to unload a re-gifted item that has been stashed in your closet.

7. Re-gift responsibly. Make wise choices and avoid conflict. Don't re-gift Uncle Fred, a recovering alcoholic, with a bottle of champagne you received from your client. Don't bring attention to Cousin Sheila's thyroid problem by re-gifting a giant popcorn canister from the office. And, avoid re-gifting your sensitive friend Susie with a collection of self-help books you received from your therapist.

8. Accept re-gifts graciously. Never point fingers at a re-gifter and don't feel obligated to tell the recipient they just received a re-gift. There is never a good way to mention a re-gift so it is better to keep this information to yourself on either end of the equation. If you receive a re-gift, simply accept it with grace and say "thank you". If you are the re-gifter and you are caught, the best you can do is pass it off as an intentional gag gift and then high tail it to the nearest store to buy something new and fabulous and include a gift receipt!

A final thought to re-gifters. A gift that is given from the heart that is either handmade or purchased is the best gift of all. Sometimes a re-gift feels like a slap in the face and conveys a feeling of I don't care enough about you to spend the money and that can feel pretty hurtful. Gift giving and receiving should induce pleasure. It should not feel obligatory. After all, it's not about what you give or receive, but the sincere thought that goes into the exchange.

Great re-gifting sites: http://www.regiftable.com/ and http://www.upsregifter.com/.

Oh the holidays! 'Tis the Season and Such...

Personally, I love this time of year. We Southern Californians get a touch of cold weather and clear skies and we can actually drink hot chocolate without melting. All is cheerful and festive. What I don't subscribe to, however, is the stress and chaos that seems to go along with this time of year. The list is never-ending from the holiday cards, to the gifts and parties, not to mention the family, school and work obligations, it is a wonder we make it through alive. To make the holidays nicer for all, here are 9 quick etiquette tips to guarantee a stress free and joyous holiday season!

1. Eat, Sleep & Be Merry. A hungry stomach or a tired body is a recipe for holiday party disaster. Schedules tend to be packed during the holiday season leaving little or no downtime to recharge batteries. Avoid any pitfalls by making sure everyone gets plenty of rest and eats a light snack before attending any holiday celebration.

2. Dress for Party Success. Dress appropriately for the occasion. If your family is attending a party at a ski chalet then a pair of clean jeans, a parka and Uggs will suffice. However, if the holiday gathering is a more formal affair then party attire, in the form of a dress or a nice pant suit, is a wise choice.

3. On the Road. On your way to the party, make sure to review any rules such as the type of holiday party you will be celebrating, who will be attending, what kind of food will be served, and any special activities your family may be asked to participate in.

4. Arrive on Time & Bearing Gifts. Your hosts are looking forward to your arrival so avoid being late and make preparations ahead of time. Select your attire beforehand, make sure all gifts are wrapped and a proper note has been written, map out your route and write down a contact phone number in case of an emergency.

5. Essential Holiday Table Manners. (a) Wait to be seated until everyone has arrived at the table. (b) Follow the lead of your host or hostess for everything. (c) Place your napkin on your lap. (d) Pass all trays of food to the right and all condiments in pairs. (e) Make pleasant table conversation with the person on your right and your left. (f) Chew with your mouth closed. (g) Wipe your mouth before taking a drink. (h) At the end of the meal, place your utensils in the finished position on your plate and your napkin loosely on the left side of your plate. (i) Ask to please be excused.

6. Clean-Up & Be Invited Again. If you are attending a sit down dinner celebration with family or with friends, offer to pitch in. This will guarantee future invitations.

7. Gracious Gift Receiving. Graciously accept all gifts whether they already have them or not. Focus on something positive to say. For example, if you do not like a gift, you do not need to say they do. You can simply say "thank you" or "how nice of you to think of me". Being polite always pays in dividends.

8. Departures. Designate an agreed upon beginning and end time with your family to prevent any misunderstandings when it comes time to leave the house or return from a party.

9. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You! A phone call or, better yet, a hand-written note of thanks to your holiday party hosts shows your appreciation for all their hard work. If you've thanked someone in person for a gift, a thank-you note isn't obligatory. But, it is never wrong to write a thank-you note. If you receive gifts from family members that you won't see to thank in person, write them a thank-you note-both to let them know their gift arrived and that you liked it.

The best way to alleviate stress from the holidays is to do something charitable. Look into your local organizations to see how you candonate your time to those in need. Offer to serve a holiday meal, hang decorations, bake cookies, read stories or sing holiday songs. Set a good example for your children while doing something fun and inspiring for the whole family. Take a moment to realize how lucky you are and be thankful for all that you have.