Wednesday Wisdom - Five Ways to Avoid Talking Turkey at Thanksgiving

This past week I've heard nothing but phrase for Thanksgiving. It is probably one of the most beloved holidays of the year.  Practically everyone looks forward to sitting down to a sumptuous feast surrounded by family and friends.  Whether the guest list is comprised of crazy blood relatives or an eclectic mashup of companions and co-workers, one thing's for certain, Thanksgiving provides us with an opportunity to share in each other's company and feel grateful without the pressure of giving anything but our time and our presence.

Bearing this in mind, the best thing we can do for one another on this day devoted to giving thanks is to hold our collective tongues and avoid talking turkey at all costs. No need to speak frankly and please leave your passionate one-sided opinions at home.  Trust me, they'll be there waiting for you when you return. The Thanksgiving table is not the time to rehash terrible atrocities or stand on soapboxes of any kind.  Our cup is full after what has seemed like an endless stream of outrageous scandals, senseless crimes, and unforeseen disasters.  On this day we can take a break from getting to the meat of the matter and focus instead on what's truly important - the sides - those kindler, gentler exchanges that guide our conversations and drive civil discourse.  To ensure your Thanksgiving is free of controversy, here are five ways to avoid talking turkey at the table this year.  

1. Make it a formal affair. To create harmony at Thanksgiving, create a more formal atmosphere. Set the tone of the Thanksgiving meal and keep things cordial by encouraging all guests to dress for the occasion. They will be much more inclined to be on their best behavior and turn on the charm than if they had arrived in their stretchy sweatpants and comfy sweaters.

2. Keep atmosphere light and breezy. It is a well-known fact that humor is the best remedy to loosen things up and relieve a tense situation. Levity is definitely the way to go with those guests who are wound up too tight. If the air is so thick you can cut it with a knife, put on a fun holiday movie, crack a few jokes or encourage a spontaneous game of charades which is always guaranteed to make people laugh. This should help alleviate the tension and hopefully make everyone forget their troubles (at least for a while).

3. Refrain from pushing each other's buttons. Family members and close friends are acutely aware of just the right button to push that might trigger another guest even on their best day. Bite your tongue, count to ten, run a lap around the block, do whatever you can to abstain from saying the wrong thing that may potentially ruin the entire occasion. You have the control and it is within your power to hold back, smile and rise above the situation.

4. Compliments are better than criticism. When we relax and are truly present for one another it is easy to find something nice to say that will make the other person feel good and loved during this time of year. Compliments are always well-received. It doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering, but it should definitely be authentic. After you pay a compliment, you may be pleasantly surprised by a normally restrained guest who now feels more inclined to pay you a compliment in return.

5. Find something to be thankful for. Recognize the obvious and be thankful for the small things. Being invited to someone's home or hosting a Thanksgiving meal is a blessing in itself. For older relatives in attendance, this may be their last. You never know what the future holds so cherish each moment together, appreciate each other and concentrate on the positive, unique attributes. Finally, before you gorge yourself with the Thanksgiving feast, go around the table and say one thing you are thankful for and maybe even one nice thing to each person at the table. This will bring instant connection and warmth to everyone in the room and isn't that all we really want anyway?

Manners Monday - Petiquette: 8 Tips for Civilizing your Furry Friend at Holiday Time & Beyond

In Beverly Hills, it’s quite commonplace to treat your pet like a person.  They are a bona fide member of the family attending power lunches, going to the salon and staying in the finest hotels. They hide inconspicuously in Hermés totes and parade down red carpets with equal ease.  They’re accustomed to accompanying their companions on shopping sprees at Neiman Marcus and finishing the day dining al fresco at The Ivy. 

Whether your pet is living the high life in a tony town or enjoying a more laid-back lifestyle by the beach, they must learn to be civilized and socialized just like the rest of the clan. To ensure your furry friend makes a positive impression, follow these recommended rules of petiquette guaranteed to keep them on their best behavior at holiday time and beyond.

1. Observe Pets Presentation. They say many pets resemble their owners. You’ll never see a disheveled or unkempt pet in Beverly Hills.  Just saunter through Saks on any given Saturday and you’ll see an assemblage of pets expertly coiffed, dressed to the nines, smelling like a rose in brand name carriers. These owners will have ample supplies on hand, wipes for muddy paws, portable water dishes with filtered water to quench thirst and resting pads for getting some shut-eye.

2. Approach with Caution.  Not everyone is aware of how to properly approach a pet.   Big, excitable or aggressive dogs must be tethered or leashed in the event a small child or elderly adult decides to get close without a formal introduction.  Want to get up close and personal? Ask permission from the owner first and then proceed cautiously.

3. Be Mindful of their Mess.  My aesthetician told me about a client who routinely brings her pet to the salon only to leave small presents on the bathroom floor for others to clean up.  This is not only unsanitary and could cost the salon its license, but it is inexcusable.  Rule number one is clean up after your pet's mess.  Have your scooper and small bags handy to remove said offenses immediately. Don’t let your pet relieve themselves anywhere, certainly not on other people’s property. Walk them curbside and encourage them to ‘go’ there.

4. Train them Young.  Obedience training is a must for all dogs.  It is for their safety and yours.  Simple commands such as how to ‘sit’ and ‘stay’ are a necessity and will help socialize your dog so that they can be around others.  Even dog lovers get annoyed when a pooch jumps and claws at them when they walk through the door. 

5. No Barking or Begging Zone.  Excessive barking can be a big nuisance and be upsetting to those within earshot.  Don’t risk a noise complaint from next door. High strung pets who live in smaller quarters should have a regular exercise routine to release repressed energy.  A little fresh air and running around will exhaust them and calm them down so they will not bark unreasonably.  Begging is unacceptable and can also spread germs. Never feed a dog table food and if begging ensues, remove them immediately from the scene.

6. Travel Companion or Therapy Animal?  As many a non-disabled person will circumvent the law and obtain a handicap placard for easier parking, there are those that claim their pet is a service animal so they may travel first class.  Pet Partners® has never been more popular!  If you have an emotional or physical disability and are in need of a therapeutic travel companion, I understand. Have your applicable paperwork, tag and license on hand. If not, please don’t subject the rest of us to your service pet antics, it is not very becoming.

7. Preferable Pet Sitting.  Don’t burden your family and friends with the responsibility of watching your pet when you leave town.  If they are interested in babysitting your pet while you’re away, they will let you know.  Neighbors make a nice option, especially if the relationship is reciprocal and you both leave at different times. Otherwise, enlist the help of a professional pet sitting service.  Check references and make sure they are insured and bonded before dropping your unsuspecting pet at their door.

8.  Love Me, Love My Pet.  You and your canine may be attached at the hip, but that does not give them license to tag along to your social engagements or accompany you at work.  Many people are allergic to pet fur. Untrained pets may damage furniture or permanently stain rugs leaving a wake of destruction in their path.  Showing up with yours unannounced can be considered incredibly insensitive.  If you are in a bind with your pet, have the courtesy to ask permission and wait for the green light.  Be gracious and make sure your pet is on their extra-special best behavior.

Don't forget to shower your pet with lots of love along with a treat or toy to reward them for their hard work.

Manners Monday - Six Manners Specifically for the Dog Days of Summer

Summer has officially graced us with her presence and just in time for the Fourth of July holiday. Temperatures have reached a sweltering peak putting our brains and bodies into permanent vacation mode. The LA traffic seems a bit less intense and schedules have simmered down allowing for some much needed rest and relaxation from the everyday stress of life in the fast lane. While we're all too eager to take our foot off the speed pedal, the dog days of summer still demand a sense of decency and decorum. Here are six etiquette tips specifically targeted for the next few months. 

1. House Guesting 101.  If you’re lucky enough to be invited to a friend’s summer home for a stay, make it your mission to be a gracious house guest.  Follow your host’s schedule and abide by their house rules.  If they want everybody in the kitchen for breakfast at 7am, be there with bells on offering to scramble eggs or set the table.

2. Pool Rules.  Long wild strands of hair wreak havoc on a pool. Before diving into the water to cool off from the extreme heat, neatly tie up flowing locks prior to taking a dip. Ladies, feel free to make your ponytail holder your new best friend and, gents, keep sporting that man bun at poolside. 

3. Ear Bud Etiquette.  Summer internships are all the rage and often provide a jump start towards future full-time employment down the road.  While you may be tempted to listen to summer hits while slaving away at your desk, fight the impulse to pop earbuds in your ears. Employers view this as a great distraction, especially when trying to solicit your attention for a task or inspiring you to collaborate with co-workers on a project.

4. Sweaty Palms Police.  Heading to an outdoor networking event where you’ll want to make a positive impression?  Don't let your palms put a damper on good greetings. Grab that antiperspirant and rub it on your hands to reduce sweating and provide that extra confidence when engaging in endless meetings with others.

5. Condiment Clarity.  Barbecue fare is chalk full of hamburgers, hot dogs, and other summer favorites just begging for a dollop of ketchup or mustard to make the meal complete.  Set a precedent when dining by passing all condiments in pairs and passing all pairs to the right.  Your table mates will thank you.

6. Petiquette.  If you have to skip out of town on a last minute business trip, don’t pressure your family or friends into babysitting your pooch for the summer. Rather than risk putting your relationship in jeopardy, find a comfy place to board your pup instead. He will probably find it more fun and even make a few new pet pals.

Manners Monday - Office Holiday Party Etiquette: 7 Tips to Be Merry & Maintain Your Job in 2017

Office Christmas Party opened across the country and my husband and I ran to see it this past weekend. The movie, featuring a number of top notch comedians, looked hilarious. However, as someone who teaches etiquette for a living, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I was more curious to see the film from a business standpoint. Call it research. After dedicating a chapter in my book on the subject titled, “Beware the Office Holiday Party,” I was waiting for an endless stream of salacious behaviors represented and the movie did not disappoint. It had the requisite token lush, the photocopying of private parts, the swinging from the ceiling, etc. But for me, the most hilarious character was the Human Resources lady played by the white hot Kate McKinnon. She pegged the stereotypical role to a tee lurking in the background and painstakingly trying to keep everyone on the straight and narrow.

It’s been quite a while since I worked in a big office environment, but I remember the holiday office parties well. They were always something we worker-bees looked forward to with anticipation as they provided an opportunity to hang with the higher ups, show off our significant others and, if it was a good party, let loose on the dance floor until the wee hours of the morning. 

Before you head out to celebrate with your co-workers, remember these seven tips to be merry AND maintain your job in twenty-seventeen.  It may be a night designed for fun, but not worth jeopardizing your career. Rather than approaching the evening as a free for all reward for your hard work, use it as an opportunity to network, advance, and shine.

1. Dress. This is not the time to let your freak flag fly as they used to say, and this goes for women, as well as men! Maintain professionalism, keep it classy and appropriate. Refrain from showing midriff's, low decolletage, or wearing any other scantily clad items.

2. Ration the Booze. Regardless of how appealing an open bar may be, limit yourself to one or two drinks at most.  Keep yourself hydrated by filling a glass with ice and water. Don't forget to graze on food throughout the night to soak up any extra alcohol. Trust me, you will not be sorry when you see your friend from accounting dancing on the conference table and drunk­enly mimicking the CEO. 

3. Overstuffing. You are not piling your plate for your last meal. Plus, it can get weird watching our work colleagues gorge themselves. Grab a protein bar beforehand or microwave a bag of popcorn to take the edge off. This way when you arrive at the party, your focus will be on socializing with your work peers, not devouring your food. 

4. Self-control. Avoid hitting on your office crush on the dance floor with everyone watching. Save your hidden talents for gyrating, bumping, grinding and twerking when you're at the club after-party no longer on the company's time or dime. 

5. Badmouthing. Don’t let loose with your opinions or divulge personal thoughts especially negative ones about the boss, colleagues or the company.  Alcohol gives people a false sense of courage that can go terribly wrong fast.  Beware what you say at the holiday office party, it may not be forgiven.

6. Secret Santa Shame. That suggestive gift you received from your college buddy should not make its way into your Secret Santa exchange. Purchase a new gift, stick to the allotted amount, and select something that anyone would enjoy.  

7. Recognition. A nice note of thanks to the person responsible for organizing that lavish, super fantastic office party is a sure way to be recognized and stand out in the new year.

Manners Monday - 5 Ways Millennials are Missing Out on Manners

Last weekend, I sat by the pool perusing the September issue of Departures magazine and was pleasantly surprised to read the editor's note declaring that the current state of affairs can basically be summed up in three little words, “I dare you.”  It seems everywhere we turn - from politics to business to culture - buttons are being pushed and boundaries are being broken. Society is practically begging us to go against the grain and rewarding those who do so with the biggest bang. If you've been following the Trump headlines, you know exactly what I mean. 

I have been touting my tagline "Dare to be polite" for years and the mantra has been gaining traction. I coined the term, not as an invitation to shock or seek attention but rather to provoke, particularly the younger set, to act with grace, thoughtfulness, and good intention.  

With Millennials growing up in one of the most challenging economic environments to date, now more than ever, it's time to incorporate these skills. A quick Google search reveals how they are missing out on a multitude of areas from everyday courtesies to meaningful connections. If the nation's largest living generation cares to significantly increase their chances of success, they must give more prominence to their manners.  Come on, I dare you! 

1. Common Courtesies. Named the "Me Me Me Generation" by Time Magazine, Millennials are great at the larger notion of being a good citizen, but when it comes to smaller courtesies, they are sorely lacking. What they fail to realize is that it's the little things that matter.  Simple acts of kindness such as smiling, opening doors, offering a seat, politely asking for something, and using the Magic Words are a gracious way to endear themselves to others.  

2. Committed Relationships. Millennials are terrific at collaborating and cooperating on a public scale, especially with brands, but they are the poster children for keeping things casual when it comes to committed relationships. They wrongly assume a meaningful exchange can be conducted on a tiny smartphone. On the contrary, taking the time to pick up the phone rather than texting to arrange a date, greeting a companion at the door, and pulling out a chair at dinner is not only a sign of respect, it sends a clear message you are present and interested.  

3. Dining Skills. When Millennials dine out, they tend to seek the exotic and experiential. However, to save money at home, they have shunned the napkin in favor of a more economic paper towel. Profiled as the "cheapest generation" by the Atlantic, this swap has resulted in an overall deficit of napkin etiquette. A napkin has a multitude of practical uses.  When laid on our laps it protects our clothing from getting soiled. It makes a terrific blast shield to capture a cough or sneeze. And, of course, it keeps our mouths and hands clean. Millennials may not be aware that a napkin also gives us hints as to what is happening at the table. When placed on the seat of the chair, we know someone is excusing themselves during the meal and when laid on the left side of the place setting, we receive a silent signal that the meal has ended.  

4. Professional Dress.  Millennials are famous for their relaxed attitude when it comes to suiting up.  What they fail to realize is that proper attire may be the key to clinching that coveted side hustle. Whether seeking an extra gig as a yoga teacher, life coach or freelance writer, there will be an initial interview that will set the tone going forward. Dressing appropriately along with standing, sitting and walking with good posture not only makes clothing fit better, but it provides an instant air of confidence and extra edge to those entering our highly competitive job market. 

5. Face-to-Face Conversation: Millennials are super at socializing, mostly on social media, but it's no secret they are suffering a loss when it comes to interpersonal exchanges. Because the majority of their communication is electronic, they neglect to notice certain non-verbal cues from eye contact and facial expressions to body language and personal space.  And this is only half of the equation.  Their verbal communication could use a bit of polish too. Practicing how to actively listen or learning when to self-censor is a good thing. Not everyone is the star of their own reality show and these skills are essential to making them more likable, maybe even charming.  

Know a Millennial who could use a little smoothing around the edges?  I'll be shooting a manners segment with Awkwafina, star of #TAWK with Awkwafina, this Friday. Stay tuned... 

Manners Monday – Downton Abbey vs. The Donald – Goodbye Civility, Hello Chaos

I am truly sad. After six seasons, Sunday marked the end of an era here in the United States with the airing of the final episode of beloved PBS drama “Downton Abbey.” A show that held us to the highest standard and walked us through the beautiful lives of the British aristocracy has bid us adieu. It’s ironic that this critically acclaimed historical period masterpiece is leaving us at a time in our history when we need it most. We can no longer count on the Crawley family and their dutiful servants to lead us through a life of civility. Instead, we are faced with a climate filled with chaos particularly within our political process and led brazenly by Republican frontrunner, Donald Trump.  

As the owner of an etiquette consulting company, it has been exceptionally difficult to process the response Donald Trump has received from the masses. From the moment he threw his hat into the ring it’s been an endless round of insults, jabs, punches and blows. Where the occupants of Downton Abbey have been trained in the school of elegance, formality, and restraint, Donald Trump takes his cues from World Wrestling Entertainment repeatedly smacking down opponents and spewing offenses for pure entertainment. My husband happens to represent WWE wrestlers so I know from what I speak.  Somehow he has successfully pushed the limits well beyond comfort level appealing to the anger and disdain of our nation. Up to this point, his unorthodox behavior has been impervious to social norms making up his own rules with no subject, personal or professional, too taboo.  Whether he’s obnoxiously attacking an opponent on their physical features, unbelievably pretending not to hear a question involving KKK leader, David Duke, outrageously encouraging his supporters to raise their right hand and pledge their allegiance to his campaign, or peddling his personal brand of Trump products, he remains virtually unscathed and continues to crush in the polls. Astonishingly, he has single-handedly inspired more voter turnout than we’ve seen in the political system in recent history.  This guy’s on a winning streak that won’t end.

In preparation for the Downton finale, I viewed a double-feature of the “Manners of Downton Abbey” and “More Manners of Downton Abbey” which only served to underscore the many differences we are witnessing today in bold, high-definition color. From the style and grace that ruled their behavior to the gorgeous self-control that governed each movement and utterance. Not a step was taken or word was spoken without careful consideration and precision. Manners played an integral part of their daily lives. They provided structure, meaning and a code of conduct to live by - they were a rulebook to follow regardless of social class.  In stark contrast, we are witnessing a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants craziness laced with vulgarity and vibrato.  Manners are cast aside as an afterthought, while the disrupters, the rule-breakers and trouble-makers get things done.  So how do we make sense of this all?  How can we make peace with this shift in behavior?  Is there a sweet spot that lies somewhere in between the two?  In order to discover, let’s take a look at some of the key areas in which Downton and the Donald differ.

Character

Downton Abbey:  A cool reserve was the definition of good character.  Formality took precedence over everything. A disciplined restraint was observed at all times. Accomplishments were downplayed and humility was favored.  There was a deep sense of honor and attention paid to tradition and customs.  

Donald Trump:  Good character means winning. He is attention-seeking and smug unabashedly sharing his list of accomplishments and conveniently forgetting his failures.  He doesn’t feel beholden to the traditions or customs of the political process preferring to make up his own rules as he goes. 

Language

Downton Abbey. Careful consideration was given to how to speak, when to speak and what to say. Conversation was formal, indirect and devoid of emotion.  Words were used sparingly and methodically.  Vocabulary was intelligent and incredibly witty.

Donald Trump: His rhetoric is a symptom of our society today, uncensored and without filters.  It leans towards the simplified, the crass, and the monotonous. He is the king of catch-phrases, one-liners, and absurd attacks. He is quick to insult, brag, bully or be on the defense.  He does not back down and likes to have the final word.  

Deportment

Downton Abbey: Body movements were kept to a minimum with posture stick straight whether sitting or standing.  Hand gestures and facial expressions were barely detectable. Nothing was done with haste. Confrontation was to be avoided at all costs.

Donald Trump: He prefers a big entrance. His boisterous movements are taken right out of the WWE playbook. His facial expressions are priceless and comical. He is quick to gesture and point.  He relishes in inciting the crowds and dissing his detractors. He thrives on the spectacle, showing energy and plenty of passion.

Money

Downton Abbey: Money was never mentioned in polite conversation. Knowing your place in the social hierarchy was not privilege, it was a duty and, therefore, came with responsibility. It was rude to be snobbish.

Donald Trump: His wealth is repeatedly mentioned without an ounce of modesty or shame.  Whether he’s proudly defending his self-funded campaign, disputing his personal net worth, or touting the vast Trump brand, he fancies the flashy showing nothing but contempt for anything understated.

Manners Monday - #DareToBePolite - The Final Frontier

As we approach the final days of our #daretbepolite campaign, I’d like to leave you with this thought: manners are the final frontier. At a time in history, where so much turmoil, disruption and distraction persists, where are we to turn, but to manners for some semblance of order, direction and calm.  They are, in essence, the last stop.  We are in more need than ever of a framework to capture all of the craziness and restore a sense of stability and substance.  While brushes of good behavior certainly exist, the #daretobepolite mission is more about daring society to ‘boldly go where no man has gone before,’ breaking out of the molds and misperceptions about manners to make them more authentic, accessible and accepting on an ongoing basis.  This is the space I would like to explore further.  One in which we hold ourselves accountable first before we start pointing fingers at everyone else, where we are more mindful of our own words and actions before we so willingly dissect those around us, and where we can still have fun, enjoy life, crack jokes and be witty without causing offense, harm or outrage to others.

As we’ve said time and again, manners touch every facet, every minutia and every molecule of our lives. They exist between the cracks, and like glue, they are the adhesive that hold everything together.  If left unused, the adhesive dries and renders itself ineffective leaving behind only chaos to follow.  It can be something as massive and weighty as the Sony debacle where the public was privy to private email communications that caused shame and embarrassment to top executives in the entertainment industry or as small and silly as the recent ‘manspreading’ epidemic accusing men of taking up too much space in their seats.  It can be something as deadly serious as the Charlie Hebdo massacre where two men launched terror on the Parisian satirical magazine challenging the right and respect for freedom of speech or as insanely ridiculous as the invoice that was sent to a family for their child’s failing to attend a friend’s birthday party.  Manners, or the lack thereof, affect us both at home and in our world and they all boil down to something very simple – RESPECT. 

So whether you’re twisted with agony over how to apologize to your mother-in-law, racked with worry about which fork to use for your fish course or riddled with guilt as to the best way to decline your boss’ advances, manners are your finest friend.  They are there to save you from your worst self, to fall back on in your time of need, and to protect you in the most precarious of situations. They are locked and loaded ready to employ at a moment’s notice. Use them wisely and they will keep you whole.

Step 3/Week 3: Manners: The Final Frontier.  Rather than limit ourselves to just one more week of practice, take the remaining ten days of January to reflect on everything we’ve covered these last few months. Turn up the heat index on your manners and share with us what you observe in yourself and in others. Join us now! Make the final vow to #daretobepolite!  

Manners Monday - #DareToBePolite - Never Put Anything in Writing...

Words, so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

The old adage to ‘never put anything in writing you wouldn’t want read by … your mother, your spouse, your boss, your children, your clients, your teacher, your employees, or blasted across the front page has never rung more true.  The written word - whether penned with a feather or typed on a tiny tablet - can come back to haunt you. It is a permanent record of what you thought, felt and believed at a given point and time. Words can be tracked, traced, manipulated, punishing and unforgiving. Particularly, in today's world where nothing escapes scrutiny and everyone is equally responsible. Even those at the tip-top cannot be fully protected. We've witnessed this time and again.  For a recent example, just ask one of the top tier executives at Sony. Of course, the scrutiny is not limited to the entertainment industry, it is epidemic worldwide. The horrific attack on the satirist magazine, Charlie Hebdo, has given everyone pause to perhaps rethink what is printed. While the freedom of speech, which gives us the right to print our opinions and ideas and is protected by the First Amendment must always persist, each incidence against it reminds us that there is no more powerful communication.  Its influence reaches far and wide and its message runs deep and eternal. 

Our global and technologically-connected world has given everyone a voice with no limits. One does not have to work for a high profile entertainment company or French satirical magazine to be heard. Our words may be written on a multitude of platforms that have the ability to reach anyone instantaneously. No longer do we have to go through a chain of command to have them published. Anyone with determination can distribute their innermost thoughts and beliefs with one press of a button and have them available on a massive scale.  This makes this period and time in history both exhilarating and scary as hell.

Step 3/Week 2: Communication: Never Put Anything in Writing...For the next seven days, aspire to be more mindful of what you write.  Double check your emails before sending. Re-read the content and make sure you aren’t offending anyone. Question whether you should hit ‘reply all’ or simply ‘reply’ to the recipient and remember to refrain from using all CAPS.  Use this week to triple check your texts. Better yet, try limiting these communications to mentions of running late or checking in. Texts are not designed for profound communications or professes of love or hate, and certainly not for altercations. Monitor what you say on social media. As boring as it sounds, better to save your witticisms for something nice than something nasty that will only bring turmoil and judgment. Bloggers and writers, notice if you are writing with the sole purpose to receive a reaction or writing with a bigger mission to uplift and inspire. Use this week as an experiment in written self-censorship rather than regurgitating every minuscule thought and feeling that comes to mind. Share with us what you observe in yourself and in others. Join us now! Make the vow to #daretobepolite!  

Manners Monday - #DareToBePolite - Communication: Breakdown or Breakthrough?

January marks the final month of our #DareToBePolite campaign with a close examination on communication. Long gone are the days of face-to-face conversations, having a tête-à-tête on the telephone, or sending one’s heartfelt thoughts in writing on card stock through snail mail. Who would’ve known that in 2015 smartphones would take over our lives and texting would become the premiere mode of engagement? With kids basically spearheading the movement, adults have closely followed suit and practically everyone is tapping away at lightning speed everything from making a plan and hashing out an altercation to posting a photograph or saying thank you. And we wonder why are lives are littered with communication breakdowns?  It is virtually impossible to convey your feelings, philosophies and tirades on a tiny tablet. We need more space and we need more personal interaction.  While one could argue that technology has enhanced our ability to connect, it has simultaneously drawn us more apart than ever.  As a nation and as a world, we are suffering from lack of contact.

For the next several weeks we will be studying communication and surveying where we fall short to determine what needs improvement and which skills to hone. The purpose of this 21-day practice is to become more mindful in all forms of communication, to halt further breakdowns and promote a few breakthroughs. If nothing else, this should increase awareness and responsibility for what you say whether in the written or spoken form. If you need validation from the outside, just look at the recent Sony debacle as an example of what not to do. Never put anything in writing, in jest or otherwise, that could potentially come back to haunt you. This example is one excellent reason for going old school and conversing in person. At least this way your words are not permanently on record. Unless, of course, you are someone with a high profile like Donald Sterling and your mistress has you on wiretap.  It is well obvious that no conversation is truly private anymore. You have to be highly cautious of who you speak to and ultra-selective with your choice of words.  You might even do yourself a favor and watch an episode of “Downton Abbey” as an excellent exercise in restraint. Their words are few, but potent and always eloquently conveyed even if bitterly cunning.   

Step 3/Week 1: Communication: Have a face to face.  For the next seven days we encourage you to ditch your phone in favor of getting in front of people.  Make a plan to meet for a meal. Schedule an outing for a walk in the park. Arrange a visit with someone you’ve lost touch with. When you’re in their presence, be fully present, not multi-tasking.  Study their features, notice their mannerisms, listen to their tone of voice, check out their body language.  These are all subtle cues and clues that will help you with your interpersonal interaction. At the same time, explore your own.  What are you saying with your body? Are your facial expressions revealing a greater story than the words coming out of your mouth?  Are you brusque and habitually say the wrong thing or do you process each thought before saying it? Do you keep yourself guarded or do you willingly disclose personal details? Share with us what you observe in yourself and in others. Join us now! Make the vow to #daretobepolite!  

Manners Monday – #DareToBePolite – Dining & Entertaining: Navigating the Table

At holiday time or any time, many of life’s most joyous occasions occur around the table. Family and friends gather, food is prepared or purchased, conversation is flowing and lively, and everlasting memories are made. With the tone properly set and the elements painstakingly in place, all that is remaining is how to properly navigate your way around the table and correctly bring the food into your mouth. 

Improving dining skills is the single most popular request among the bevy of manners-related topics. While some may find this a vacuous pursuit, on the contrary, the art of fine dining is meant to be upheld and mastered. After all, the way we hold our fork and knife reveals a lot about who we are, where we came from and where we aspire to go. 

Whether dining on fine china or handcrafted ceramic dishes, all items are placed on the table in neat order guiding us through the courses with ease and dictating what we will be eating and when. The goal always to seamlessly enter the contents of food into our mouths thus eliminating any possible distraction and keeping the focus on the more meaningful endeavor of building relationships and forming bonds.

Step 2/Week 3: Dining & Entertaining: Navigating the Table. This week’s challenge heightens our awareness at the table from the dining room to the board room as dining skills are essential to success both personally, as well as professionally.  Use these next seven days to pay closer attention to how you eat. Notice your napkin usage, how you enter and exit your chair, how you speak to the wait staff at the restaurant and how you set the table for a meal at home.  Observe your dining style. Do you know which side your drinks and bread plate are located?  Do you use both the fork and the knife or do you break out Mr. Finger? Did you learn the American style switching hands and bringing the food into your mouth with your right hand fork tines up? Or, were you taught to dine Continental style with the fork in the left hand tines facing down and the knife in the right?  Are you familiar with the resting and finished positions?  Do you know how to pass foods around the table? Which side to serve and which side to clear?  Do you prefer formal sit down dinners or more casual experiences? Are you open to trying new foods?  All of these questions factor equally into the dining equation. What we eat and how we eat provides valuable insight to others.  

Discover the details that go into the daily occurrence of dining. Use this week to refine your skills just in time for the Chanukah and Christmas festivities around the table. Find out where you feel most confident or where you may need a bit more polish?  Share with us what you observe in yourself and in others. Join us now! Make the vow to #daretobepolite!  

Manners Monday – #DareToBePolite – Dining & Entertaining: Assembling the Elements

It takes a village to assemble just the right elements to masterfully pull off any special occasion.  Any expert entertainer knows that whether creating a casual or an elaborate affair, a perfect balance of ingredients must be carefully orchestrated in order to present an appearance of calm and create an atmosphere of enjoyment.

The small details dictated by the host ranging from the meticulously selected guest list to the decidedly imaginative invitation, the inventive menu, and the desired setting, all play an equal part in the party’s ultimate success.  While some hosts get a thrill in taking on the task themselves, there is no shame in enlisting help.  A good host knows their limitations and has a list of professionals ready to dive in and tackle any task.  Food may be homemade, catered or brought in from a favorite restaurant as long as it is transferred onto serving platters and made to look presentable on the table.  Most important on the list is a happy host who puts their guest’s needs first and is willing to make any concession to ensure they have a positive experience.

The gracious guest is an integral player in the party’s triumphant outcome. After all, they have been carefully selected and vouched for by the host and they should perform accordingly.  Grateful to be a part of the festivities, an exemplary guest puts effort into appearance, arrives on time with a thoughtful gift in hand, is geared up to make witty repartee with both hosts and guests alike, and follows up with a grateful note of thanks.

Step 2/Week 2: Dining & Entertaining: Assembling the Elements. This week’s challenge is highly applicable as we head closer to the Chanukah and Christmas holidays where endless opportunities for entertaining and dining abound. In these next seven days, if you are hosting a party, take a few extra minutes to pay attention to the particulars. Add fresh flowers to your table, light candles, pipe in a little mood music.  Go the extra mile to check in with your guests to make sure there are no severe allergies or other dietary restrictions. Set the table with the fancy dishes and glassware you keep locked in a cabinet for most of the year. Add a few new guests to your list and arrange place cards to encourage interesting conversation.  If you are attending a party, be sure to RSVP right away as the holiday social calendars tend to become quite full. Find the perfect host gift and write a little note to present upon your arrival. Offer to bring a holiday dish or bottle of wine to accompany the meal. Perhaps the host needs a bit of help with the dishes or taking out the trash? Step up and you’ll guarantee future invitations.

Notice your strengths as well as your pitfalls.  Do you prefer to host or attend a party?  Are you a happy or harried host?  Are you a gracious or impolite guest?  Which elements do you enjoy and which feel like torture?  Share with us what you observe in yourself and in others over the course of the week. Join us now! Make the vow to #daretobepolite!  

Manners Monday – #DareToBePolite – Dining & Entertaining

December marks month two of our #DareToBePolite campaign.  Fresh off the Thanksgiving bandwagon, it’s time to now prepare for the throngs of holiday party soirees and the endless amounts of invitations, obligations and appreciations that will ensue from now until New Year’s. Whether an intimate gathering with a select few or a massive affair with hundreds, the basic tenets still apply and are expected to be upheld. Always make your guests feel welcome, create a cozy atmosphere, keep the conversation flowing, avoid stirring the pot, don’t disgust your dining partners, and have an endless supply of libations on hand.

For the next several weeks we will be exploring everyday table manners as well as formal dining skills in a variety of settings from the living room to the board room and over power breakfasts, lunches and dinners. We will dissect food idiosyncrasies, dietary restrictions and culinary options to expand both the palate along with the mind.  We will delve into the vast world of entertaining from the invitation and décor to the preferred cuisine and select entertainment. We will investigate the roles of the happy host along with the grateful guest and uncover the many quandaries that arise from the RSVP’s and attire to the requisite thank yous and goodbyes. Many of life’s most meaningful moments involve a degree of dining and entertaining and we need to bring our A-game to ensure we enjoy it to the fullest.

Step 2/Week 1: Dining & Entertaining: Setting the Tone.  The world of dining and entertaining offers an excellent opportunity to display ones best manners and perfect the art of feeling confident while putting others at ease. In these next seven days, we begin specifically with setting the tone. This is the first step in planning any occasion from a business dinner to a birthday party. The choice of venue, the degree of formality, the budget, the personality of the guests and the number of attendees must all be taken into consideration. Are you courting an international client over lunch?  A review of the continental dining skills may be in order to avoid sawing your steak.  Organizing a big birthday bash for your 80 year old mother? Selecting a venue with easy access for elderly guests as opposed to a venue for purely aesthetic reasons will hopefully be top on the list.  Setting the tone on a more symbolic level has more to do with frame of mind. Attending the annual office holiday party?  You may want to eat a little nibble beforehand to take the focus off of the free shrimp and more on the benefits of stress-free socializing with co-workers. In-laws invited you and your spouse to join them for a holiday weekend in the mountains?  You may wish to push aside personal differences and approach them with a willingness to get along rather than being just being right. Handling these subtle, yet vital issues beforehand sets the tone both mentally and physically and ensures the best outcome for all.    

A successful dining experience builds bonds and solidifies relationships.  A pleasurable party leaves warm lasting memories for years to come. How will you choose to set the tone or improve the tone in the next week?  Share with us what you discover in yourself and in others. Join us now! Make the vow to #daretobepolite!  

Manners Monday – #DareToBePolite - How We Behave

Step 1/Week 3: First Impressions: How we behave.  Turn on any morning television news show and you’ll witness the barrage of stories dedicated to people’s bad behavior. It may be a fallen politician, an enraged sports figure, a bawdy celebrity or a regular Joe who committed a heinous crime.  Sure these may be extreme examples amplified in the media for pure entertainment, but oftentimes they are not.  Our public role models (save the Joe criminal) tend to disappoint.  And what about our own behavior that is not publicized for all the world to see? How do we conduct ourselves on a daily basis with our families, with our friends and when we’re out and about on our streets and in our communities? 

Each and every day we are confronted with choices that test our behavior and moral makeup.  There is always a clear right and wrong choice and the wrong choice is typically much more appealing because it feels reckless, carefree or fun.  While this may be an acceptable excuse for a two year old who is too young to know better or a reality show star who is being paid good money to behave like a two year old, there isn’t much tolerance anywhere else. 

Granted, none of us are perfect and we do slip up.  It’s hard to hold it altogether 24/7, especially in today’s frenetic society. And if children are in the mix, then all rules are pushed aside and the claws come out.  In “Terms of Endearment,” mama Shirley Maclaine could care less what the hospital staff thought of her as she cursed at the top of her lungs demanding medicine for her daughter who was experiencing pain.  Perfectly understandable.

For the next seven days we are focusing on every day behavior.  In other words, the way we go about our day when not faced with a traumatic or dire situation.  Starting with our early morning routine, from the way we greet our household when we arise to the way we treat the barista at our local Starbucks. Are we cutting in the carpool line at school drop off or giving someone the finger who just cut us off on the road?  At work, are we sending scathing emails to the entire department or stealing someone else's marked food in the kitchen?  Are we chewing out the lunch lady for giving us the wrong change? During the day, are we waiting patiently in line at the pharmacy for our prescription to be filled? Are we treating the restaurant staff with as much respect as our boss sitting across from us at the table?  In the community, are we cordial to the librarian, the policeman, and the gas station attendant? At home, after a long day, are we impatiently screaming at our kids or ignoring our significant others?  When we say goodnight, do we lovingly kiss our loved ones or grunt our way to bed?  

While most of us don't have the luxury of being followed around by our own personal reality show crew, all of us are living under a constant microscope where our every action may be taken out of context and misconstrued. There are a million ways to make a grave mistake and our actions, reactions or inaction has a domino effect on others.

How will you choose to behave over the next seven days?  Share with us what you observe in yourself and in others. Join us now! Make the vow to #daretobepolite!  

Manners Monday – Launching #daretobepolite

What’s the manner with people? Rarely does a day go by without someone doing something or saying something to upset us. It may come in the form of an insensitive comment disguised as constructive criticism. Or a rude remark designed to elevate themselves and put down another. Sometimes it’s a piece of gossip for pure entertainment purposes. Other times it’s an unfiltered observation pointing out a serious character flaw.  And oftentimes, it’s a blatant lack of respect for our time, our money or our commitment. At what point did we turn into such a nasty, negative, cutthroat, backstabbing, dishonest and competitive society?

What ever happened to polite? When passersby would greet one another with a knowing nod and smile. When sitting down to dinner meant giving your undivided attention to your dining partners. When a suitor called the object of their affection on the telephone to arrange a date. When an act of kindness was acknowledged with a handwritten thank you note.  

The #daretobepolite campaign is designed to wake up the nation and raise awareness on the importance of politesse and good manners. For the next three months, we will be challenging (daring) the public with three separate 21-day campaigns. Why 21 days each?  Because it takes 21 days to form a new habit and we want these skills to stick.  November launches the campaign with the very basics, otherwise known as first impressions, focusing on how we look, how we sound, and how we behave. December, at the height of holiday season, is devoted to the vast realm of dining and entertaining.  January, we begin the New Year by examining communication in all its forms whether spoken, written or electronically transmitted.

Now, please do not get me wrong. I do not espouse on a pedestal looking down shaming everyone else.  I turn the mirror on myself with every intention to walk the talk. I am the first to admit that I am a work in progress and that I actively practice polite.  I am in the trenches with you, so let’s take the first step together. Shall we?

Step 1/Week 1: First Impressions: How we look.  The first thing people notice is appearance. They sum us up in the first few seconds before one single syllable has been uttered from our mouths.  Everything from our posture and gait to our grooming and attire is being scrutinized.  Is our outfit too revealing or too schoolmarmish?  Are we well-kempt or disheveled?  Do we have any noticeable bad habits?  We are all very quick to judge. We can't help it, we're human. However, we’re not talking about the vacuous pursuit of vanity, rather more about taking pride in the way we look which shows respect for oneself, as well as others, and has a direct positive influence on our relationships whether dressing for a job interview, a first date or a social function. For the next seven days, we are focusing on outward appearance from our skin, hair and nails down to our clothing and accessories. We’ll dissect style guidelines, which wardrobe staples are best, and fashion faux pas to avoid along with a few tips on exercise and diet. We’d also love to hear from you.  Share with us your photos and videos, post your personal do’s and don’ts. Our polite armor sets the tone and is the foundation for virtually everything. Join us now! Make the vow to #daretobepolite!