"Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word"

An article by Lisa Belkin in Sunday's New York Times Magazine, took a good look at the act of saying sorry and whether we really mean it or are just mouthing the words to appease others. In the article, Dr. Aaron Lazare, author of the book "On Apology" proclaimed that apologies are one of "the most profound of human interactions" and, that when made sincerely, can mend most offenses. As we get older, it seems that the act of saying sorry becomes increasingly difficult. Why does this happen? Why does the apology sometimes come across as so painful for the person saying it, that it appears as if they'd rather cut off their right arm then actually say the words?

In my etiquette classes for children, we always cover the 5 main "Magic Words". The first ones that come to mind are always please, thank you and you're welcome. Then inevitably one of the children mentions the words, excuse me, followed by "I'm sorry." They learn these words from a very young age and are taught to use them as a way to show respect, consideration and kindness towards others.

Since apologies are a hot topic these days, with everyone from celebrities and athletes, to corporate heads and politicians making them, we thought we'd take a moment to break down some of the proper uses as well as a few misconceptions.

1. Say it like you mean it. At one time or another, most of us have been on the receiving end of one of those "nonapology apologies". These are also affectionately known as half-assed apologies or hidden apologies. You know the kind of apology that makes you feel like you are pulling teeth to get the person to say it and can actually make you feel worse than if they had offered no apology at all! Any way you slice it, it just doesn't feel right. The point is, if you are going to take the time to say you're sorry, say it like you mean it and offer an admission of true regret. This is the key to an effective and sincere apology.

2. Take the high road. Oftentimes it's easier to apologize and say you're sorry even if you didn't do anything wrong. This is the best way to spare another person's feelings and works well with those who are highly sensitive. In most cases, you are never going to see eye to eye so it is simpler to be the bigger person and say you're sorry to enable you both to move on.

3. Give the benefit of the doubt. Accidents will and do happen. Before you launch into a battle with someone, give them the benefit of the doubt. Rather than immediately assuming the action was intentional, take a breath and see if it was merely an accident. In most cases, it is an accident and therefore a simple, "I'm sorry" is all that is necessary.

4. Don't be in such a hurry! How many times a day are we bumping into people physically because we are rushing somewhere, whether it be to get to the supermarket or pick up the kids from school? Taking a quick moment to say "sorry" to someone you may have side-swiped along the way will certainly alleviate the tension and prevent those around you from thinking you are beyond rude.

5. Please don't patronize. There is nothing worse than the person who says they're sorry in a way that makes you feel inferior. This is the type of sorry that sounds patronizing and positioning and seems almost as if the person saying it wants you to feel bad. Newsflash: No one wants to be talked down to, so please save your patronizing tone and refrain from these types of sorry's altogether.

6. Take full responsibility. Saying sorry means nothing if the person saying it doesn't include a complete explanation for their actions and a plan going forward to avoid future mistakes. If you are going to say sorry to someone, make it meaningful and claim 100% responsibility for your behavior. Take a moment to put yourself in their shoes to see things from their perspective. This will help validate their feelings while also conveying your sincerety which will ultimately lead you to a successful outcome.

7. It takes two to make an apology go right. The person who says they're sorry and asks for forgiveness must have the full cooperation of the person who accepts the apology. This requires practice and precision. Typically, you only have one chance to apologize, so practice saying sorry and rehearse the scenario in your head before making the apology in person. Precision is necessary to choose just the right words that will give the person ample opportunity to forgive you.

8. Say it. Don't text, email or write it. Saying sorry has to be done in person. Both parties should be able to read each other's emotions, body language and gestures to determine if the apology is sincere and to truly be able to mend the situation. Writing a letter is second best. It is easier for most people to put their true feelings into words, but a follow up in-person conversation is still necessary. Don't even bother sending a text or email apology. It is way too impersonal and won't cut it with most people.

Sorry for any inconvenience reading this blog may have caused you. We hope you'll find a moment to share with us your thoughts on saying sorry and making apologies. To learn more information on perfecting apologies in general, check out www.perfectapology.com.

"Tiger Takes a Mulligan"

In a press conference yesterday, Tiger Woods, issued a 'profound' apology to his fans, his colleagues, his family, his sponsors, the PGA, his charitable foundation and everyone else he felt he failed with his recent unconscionable behavior. He accepted 100% blame and took complete responsibility for his actions.

While watching the replay of the Tiger apology with my husband, he explained to me that Tiger was essentially taking (or perhaps requesting) a mulligan. In golf terms as described by the PGA, a mulligan is a "do-over, or replay of the shot, without counting the shot as a stroke and without assessing any penalties that might apply. It is not allowed by the rules and not practiced in tournaments, but is common in casual rounds in some countries, especially the United States." If we think of this in literal terms, I'm sure Tiger would love nothing more than to be able to request a 'do over', to ask for a second chance to make a better first impression, to be able to replay his actions and make smarter, wiser choices and to be able to do so without consequence. Tiger seemed sincerely ashamed of his behavior and vulnerably honest about the work he has ahead of him. We know he will return to the links sometime soon and I'm sure he is hoping that we will have forgiven him his transgressions.

I have to admit that Tiger's apology was perfect fodder for those of us who teach manners. His speech was chock-full of references on the importance of maintaining integrity, having good character and being a good role-model, all subjects of which are addressed in our work on a daily basis. Let's take a closer look at some of the highlights.

1. A return to fundamental values. Tiger made reference to his work in a therapeutic program to overcome his indiscretions and to a return to Buddhism and to the "fundamental values of his religion." Our fundamental values are what save us from making mistakes and going down the wrong path. These are the core of our existence, they are what should inspire us to do great things. Once we lose them, we are in trouble.

2. Apology through behavior. I loved that Tiger made mention of apologizing to Elin not through his words, but through his "behavior AND over time." Instead of making empty promises in the immediate, he is more realistic about the long road ahead and knows that his change must be made through his actions or non-actions as the case may be.

3. Complimenting Elin. The fact that Tiger stood up for his wife and admonished the public for their scrutiny or doubts that she had any role in his behavior, was commendable. He then made a point of complimenting her on the "enormous grace and poise" she has been able to uphold "throughout this ordeal." Her ability to maintain decorum for the sake of her family is something I'm sure he could never have fathomed.

4. Admittance of irresponsible behavior. Tiger's admission that he felt "the normal rules didn’t apply" to him, was an illuminating statement to make. We have seen countless examples of this with our politicians, our sports figures as well as our celebrities. Fame and notoriety has somehow provided them with a false sense of power that they are above the rules and therefore have no responsibility attached to their behavior. He then describes his revelation that "the same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me" and that living a life of integrity is what is truly important.

5. Issue of entitlement. "I felt I was entitled." Those were the exact words Tiger used to describe the impetus for his infidelities. Entitlement is a monster issue for people of all ages in today's world. Perhaps it is because life is perceived to be such a struggle that the moment a person achieve's even a small amount of success, they grab onto it with both hands and run, rather than take a moment to appreciate and acknowledge.

6. Setting an example. Finally, Tiger touched upon the most significant issue of all when he declared that "character and decency are what really count" and being a better "role model for their kids" is what will be his highest priority. He proclaimed that in order to do this, he will need to revisit the Buddhist principals to "stop following every impulse and learn restraint."

Tiger's last words were to return his behavior to one that was "more respectful of the game" in which he has devoted most of his life. I think the key word here is RESPECT. This is the number one cardinal rule of good manners. It always boils down to respect. Once Tiger restores respect in all aspects of his life, beginning with self-respect, he is sure to receive his mulligan (at least from me).

P.S. Here's a little piece I read in the NY Times Sunday edition with the media's reaction to Tiger's apology http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/22/business/media/22carr.html.